When I was pregnant with my son I gained 70 pounds. I was big and beautiful. I was so big I couldn’t sit Indian style which should give you a pretty good indication I couldn’t trim my area to save my life. Well, months before delivery I had a wax and my skin went frigging bonkers. The reaction from it was horrible. I decided at that time I would just let the pubes do their thing. I was having a planned c-section so I wasn’t worried about having to groom my biz for the doctors and nurses to visually enjoy since they wouldn’t be seeing it anyway. SO I THOUGHT! Delivery day arrives and so do my gigantic bush and I. The nurse started prepping me for surgery when I hear this familiar buzzing sound. She turns around and in her hands are the most archaic clippers I have ever seen. May have been from the early 1900’s. The broad walks over to me and just goes to town. Took a good 30 minutes (or 10). The whole time she is just casually talking to me about the weather and jazz like that. Every now and then stepping back, cocking her head, analyzing my vag hair, returning back to the trimming until content with her work. When she finally shuts the P.O.S. off and walks away, I feel for my pubes. I can’t emotionally handle what has happened. They finish prepping me, roll me down to the O.R., spread me eagle, and begin the surgery. The entire delivery, all I can think about is how the staff is going to break into hysterics the minute I am whisked away to post op. My son is born, healthy, super frigging ugly, and the only thing I can think about are my frankenpubes. What I ended up with was a mullet. On my vag. Miss Thing, buzzed the top bald. From the lips down, huge puffy bush. It was like an Abe Lincoln beard. From that moment on I vowed to keep up with my bush and find what truly works for me and my sensitive skin. I’m fair and sensitive skinned and my hair does not like being removed. Razor burn, ingrown hairs, and unsightly bumps from waxing have definitely put a damper on things for me in the past. Nothing like going on a trip and having a red bumpy rash where your huge bush used to be. The sisters and I are Greek, Russian, and Italian. If having tons of unwanted hair were awesome I’d be the coolest chick in town. Over the years I have tried everything but laser hair removal. I go back and forth with doing it. Someday maybe, but for now I have found my clam jam. I do my own lady scaping. I use a handful of products that allow me to get rid of my unwanted hair (Not entirely. I don’t do the whole baby girl thing. Creeps me out.) without having horrible side effects from the hair removal process. Below are my tried and true, must have products for shaving.
This process is brilliant for everywhere you shave. It is not just for those of us who react adversely to hair removal. These products will get you the smooth, stellar shave we all want! So, for you earthy girls who prefer a venus flytrap, your pits, treasure trail, and legs still need some attention. Here’s what you need to do:
The first and most important step off all, exfoliating the areas you are going to shave. This process is crucial. Exfoliating preps the skin for the shave by removing dead skin, leading to a smoother shave. I use a simple bath sponge and my favorite shower gel, Neutrogena’s Rainbath. It smells so frigging good. After Exfoliation, I grab my shaving gel. Here we are going to raise our hands to Jesus because Bikinizone Shave gel is a gift from the heavens. I use this gel from my pits to my ankles. Now, razors are important. Disposable razors should be exiled to hell. Those mother effers messed with me for the last time. You want nicks and sh!t? The disposable razor is for you, but if you want a good clean shave then you will need to get a decent razor. This makes a HUGE difference. My favorite razor is the Schick Quattro. I have probably tried every razor on the market and she is the one for me. Once I am done creating pube art, I have completed showering and am all dried off, I grab some of my liquid gold. Tend skin is a product I have been using for years and I swear by it. It literally prevents razor burn, ingrown hairs, bumps, and everything else you don’t want after removing unwanted hair. Smells like vinegar when applied but the stank subsides in moments. It gives a little sting that hurts so good, too. I use this on my pits, pubes, and legs but are not limited to these areas. Got a man who gets razor burn or bumps on their neck from their suit and tie? I just scored you some points with him because Tendskin will help their asses. I squeeze some on a cotton pad and treat the areas as needed. I reapply this product everyday to my area whether I shave that day or not. Once tendskin has dried I apply Keri Body Oil. Moisturizing the shaven areas is major. It contributes to a softer shave as well as aids in the prevention of razor burn especially if you have super sensitive skin like me. This stuff is great because it is gentle and scent free. So there you have it. The best shave you have ever had. Oh! One last thing… my vag wipes. I keep these little sweeties in my purse at all times. Freshen that vagay up on the go which is great for you hoes and menstruating gals. I simply have them on hand just in case one of you need to borrow one 😉
Side note. I was chatting with Sister No. 1 the other day about my pubes and she asked if I have read Cameron Diaz’s Body Book. She thinks she and I need to meet. Lots in common when it comes to opinions on, well, in this case, pube maintenance. Read it with me! Word.
While we are on the topic, head over to The Evolution Of Pubes blog for some very interesting bush history.
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