Self tanning can be a real bitch. It is easy to look like the town asshole after applying it. I have definitely sported orange ass palms and streaky ankles before and it was mucho not cute. I am also not one of those chicks who enjoys looking super duper bronzed in the dead of winter unless, of course, I just hopped off a plane from Mexico. I am not judging you dark ass bitches, I just opt to maintain a seasonably appropriate skin tone. Thus, I begin my self tanning regime come spring.
I have tried practically every self tanner on the market. Gels, sprays, mousse, creams, lotions. High end to drug store brands. My conclusion? St. Tropez Bronzing Mousse is the only way to “tan” indoors. It provides the most natural, beautiful, glowing tan. It goes on incredibly smooth, I never streak from it, it is moisturizing, has a pleasant smell, the tan darkens gradually, and it lasts a few days. Do I believe you get what you pay for in a self tanner? Without a doubt, yes. I don’t mess around and attempt to cut corners when it comes to the application process. Self tanner is not like lipstick. You can’t just wipe it off if it doesn’t do it for you. You are making a short term commitment here so you need to make sure you do it right. Here are my self tanning rituals.
What you need:
Before self tanning I make sure to shave the legs, bush, and pits to ensure the smoothest, most even tan possible. Plus, who wants to be a hairy ass tan chick? Gross. Shaving also exfoliates your skin which is a key step in achieving a solid self tan. A gentle exfoliation is sufficient. You don’t want to irritate the hell out of your skin or remove layers in the process. All you need to do is remove the dead skin on the surface and you are good to go.
1. I start with my face. What I am about to share with you is skin care gold. You do not need to be a bronzing goddess to appreciate this skin care essential. This product has been a part of my weekly skin care regime for a decade and for good reason. It is magnificent. Now listen here people! Rise from your seats, y’all, because it’s that time again! Time to praise Jesus because this stuff is a gift from the heavens! Behold! Amore Pacific’s Enzyme Peel. You are going to thank me for this one. Use this powder with a bit of water to create a foamy, exfoliating lather and massage in a circular motion for a minute, then rinse. Holy shit your skin will be as soft as a baby’s ass. Koreans know what they are doing with skin care, that’s for sure.
2. Next, I grab my bath sponge and some of my favorite shower gel and I softly and gently exfoliate my entire body. I pay special attention to my elbows, hands, knuckles, knees, ankles, and toes. These are the wrinkly, dry bitches that tend to give away our little tanning secret.
3. Now I grab my pumice stone, squirt some shower gel on that bitch, and go to town on my feetskis. This should be a part of your daily bathing routine whether you self tan or not, unless of course you prefer to wear leather skin sandals like my sister, Michelle. I mean, the bitch can take a leisurely stroll on fire burning coals without a problem. Pretty sure bullets can ricochet off her heels.
3. Anywho, once I have completed exfoliation I make sure to rinse thoroughly. Listen closely, now. It is very important to dry off completely before applying self tanner. Moist skin and tanner are like oil and water. Trust me. Be patient and take a few extra minutes to dry off.
4. Now it’s time to tan. It is habit to apply deodorant immediately after bathing. DO NOT apply deodorant until AFTER tanner has been applied and absorbed (I have linked the hope diamond of deodorants. Buy it. I save it for going out or when I am going to make whoopee, which is never so I wear it to go out) OK. I shake the shit out of my mousse before use. Then I pin my hair up and stand buck ass naked, white as a ghost. I put on a pair of disposable gloves and squeeze some St. Tropez mousse in my hands, rub together and begin with my legs, going to my feet, then torso, ass, titties, arms, neck, then face. I use 10-12 pumps start to finish.
MAJORLY IMPORTANTE INFO: People will try to convince you to buy the blending mitt. I have used it and it is good. It does a great job blending but the quality of the mitt prevents it from lasting very long. My advice – If you do not plan on self tanning on a regular basis, buy the mitt. If you are like me and will spend the next few months bronzing indoors use the disposable gloves. I will say, the mitt blends the product much faster. When using the gloves you have to work a little harder to get the product absorbed into your skin. I am sure this has something to do with the mitt sucking up some of the product and the gloves not being porous at all. Spend the time to blend the product and make sure it is completely absorbed before moving on to the next body part. You will be able to see if the product is applied evenly because the mousse is bronze in color #coolassshit. The results are immediate but gradually darken within the next few hours. I definitely apply less product to my face because I prefer to add color by way of my favorite bronzing powder. This way I can control the tone and contour of my face. Do yourselves a favor and keep this shit off your ears. Nothing good will come from it. I also tend to refrain from tanning my hands because knuckles are dicks. I give myself about 10 minutes to air dry before dressing. I do not apply body oils, creams, or lotions after self tanning to avoid ruining and losing my tan. Plus, the mousse is quite moisturizing. I apply my skin care per usual, put on my makeup, and show off and enjoy my “sun kissed” healthy glowing skin.
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