When I say she, I mean me. I need a “hero”. Someone to take care of me and my babies. Someone to love me endlessly. Someone to support me, both financially and emotionally. My dad is my hero model. He did everything a hero does. The problem? I was crippled by it. He and my mother did everything for me, for all of us. I was different than my sisters, though. They all thrived independently and learned from what my parents did for them and taught them. I did not. Instead, I was confused and completely dependent. I should explain… I had difficulty as a child, adolescent, teenager, young adult, adult, because I had learning disabilities as a kid, among other things. The way I learned and thought was different than everyone else and learning to take care of myself was the furthest thing from my mind when I couldn’t even read and comprehend a single paragraph in the 8th grade. (Nothing like being Catholic schooled with a learning disability.) Is this an excuse for why I married twice and have been incapable of taking care of myself? Maybe, but it is still my reality. I will talk more about that another time. The thing is, I expected someone else to do life’s “things” for me. All of this time I have been expecting some hero, some man, to come into my life and save me, take care of me, protect me, support me, inspire me, teach me, basically do everything for me, because I didn’t know any other way. I needed him, my hero. Notice the past tense? Not no mo’. Two things have happened to me. Love and Life. I no longer have an honor-less hero here to save me and I no longer desire money and ease over love. All of this time I was looking for my hero when I have been here all along. It is not easy for me, but I am capable. I struggle everyday with simple tasks because of my brain’s function as well as 36 years of relying on others, but I am getting there. I am taking care of me and my babies. I love me endlessly. I support myself financially and emotionally, which is the hardest of them all. I literally had to come up with a career to support myself when my marriage began to fail. My career before beginning my photography business was Hero Hunting. I was basically thrown into a life of independence after my divorce. It has by far been the scariest, loneliest, darkest, poorest, most hopeless place I have ever been, but I couldn’t be happier and more excited to be here. I have never needed my hero more than now, so I guess that’s why I have shown up. I realize being independent is very hard, whether you have always been or never been, but nothing, NOTHING is more difficult and suppressive than being indebted, reliant, and dependent on someone else. That shit is for the fucking birds.
Because of my dad, my bar is set high. But it was set high for me to reach and surpass, not someone else. I never got it. He was teaching me to be independent, he was teaching me to be like him, not to be dependent of a man who was as capable as he. Better late then never, right?
Girls, boys, and inbetweeners, we are capable, we are strong, we are beautiful, we are brave, and we are heroes. Our own heroes. Once we realize we have the power to save ourselves, we will realize we have all of the power in the world to do anything we have ever thought imaginable. Life is beautiful and so are you. Mad love.
Love it. Live it. Share it.