Good morning, class! Todays lecture will be on Ham’s. Please take out your pens and paper for notes and be ready to pop your eyeballs back into their sockets after viewing some of these images. Viewer Discretion is advised.
Today’s Vocabulary Words
H.A.M.:Hot Ass Mess
SUPER H.A.M.: The hottest messes of all H.A.M’s; Not your everyday H.A.M.; Super H.A.M’s reside in Hamland, a place where beauty norms and embarrassment do not exist.
Let me begin today’s lesson by saying I support and encourage self expression. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, while one chick may dig having a lady beard another may not. Beauty is relative. I, on any given day, can be seen exhibiting H.A.M. tendencies. No eyebrows on, dirty hair, maybe wearing the shirt I slept in at school drop off. This is normal, everyday Hamness. We have all been a mess at some point in our lives or another. I am the first person to admit I have had my moments, therefore, I am the first person to lend a helping hand when a sister needs it. There is no reason someone in my life should be walking around looking a fool when I can help stop that mess from happening. This lesson is not about the everyday H.A.M., though. It is about The Super H.A.M.. They are Super Human. They see things very differently when they look in the mirror and they have confidence no one else on this earth possesses. They intentionally make themselves look this way and they love it. You can see Super H.A.M.’s smiling, taking endless selfies, flaunting their beauty, proving they, in fact, are confident as hell.
Sometimes broads go past the point of help and take a one way ticket to Hamland. Once someone hams this hard, there is no going back. The Super H.A.M. is born. No one can help them. Not me, not God, not sweet little baby Jesus himself. No one. There are different levels of Hamhood. I am confident 99.999999% of us have never reached the highest, most elite level let alone seen one at this level. This level of Hamness must be stared at, studied, and celebrated. They are mystical creatures. Seeing one of these messes in real life is a gift, a frigging rarity! It’s like seeing a Unicorn! If there were no pictures to prove they existed and no stories by witness accounts, I would not believe these H.A.M.’s are real. I pray that one day, maybe, I will see one in the flesh. I stay hopeful but the chances are slim. Until then, I will get my fix this way, through pictures, and we can all learn a thing or two from them. For example, what not to do. Note: You will never see a Super H.A.M. with good eyebrows. Ever.
The Tanorexic H.A.M.
Under normal circumstances we would be discussing her incredible rack, however, her fun bags are taking a backseat to her Hamness. This bronze phenomena is a very common trait of the Super H.A.M.. See for yourself.
Notice the tan. It may be difficult for you to concentrate because there is so much going on here. It’s understandable. My eyes immediately go to her cracky poo, dry, pale lip. I would also like to color with this H.A.M.. I am interested to see if she can color within the lines. Maybe a little Coloring Book therapy would help her with those brows.
This H.A.M. needs to add some highlighter to her regimen. Her nose is disappearing. Homegirl needs to contour a little.
Take a look at this one’s nose. See how she contoured the shit out of it. This is def what the SH in pink above needs to do to bring it to the next level.
I don’t really know why people are calling her a H.A.M. All I see here is a cute, happy bi-racial couple.
The Sister H.A.M.’s
The white eye shadow. Throw yours away right now if you have it.
Jesus frigging Christ, look at their brows. Hamworthy, indeed. I wonder if they are dating Browthers. What’s a Browther? A Browther is a dude who has jacked up brows. Whether they are too shaped and thin, tattooed, or too burly and beastly, if there is a serious brow issue, he is a Browther.
If I had to choose one of these Browthers to make out with it would for sure, without a doubt, be the little Brow in the orange. He looks like he has his shit together.
The Injected H.A.M.
This H.A.M. loves injectables. Check out that kisser! And those brows. H.A.M. brows are like Rorschach Ink Blot Tests. I see sperm. Here are a couple more Injected H.A.M.’s for you to study.
I’m going to take a wild guess here and say her idol is Pam Anderson.
The “Needs to Put the Tweezers Down” H.A.M.
At first I thought this H.A.D had Fetal Alcohol Syndrome due to the large space between her eyes. Upon further investigation I have concluded this H.A.M. in fact does not have Fetal Alcohol Syndrome. She has 6 inches of bare skin between her brows making her eyes appear much further apart then they actually are. This space is not an act of God. God does not place eyebrows on temples.
The Scary Ass H.A.M.
This H.A.M. scares the shit out of me. I would be very nice to her if I saw her. Very.
(S)he has pretty hair? I am a little afraid to comment any further.
Here are a few more examples of the Super H.A.M.
I think she needs to go just a little thicker on the brows. They aren’t thick enough.
I don’t have enough time to begin commenting. If I start, I won’t be able to stop.
I am a little surprised by her choice of spectacles. They are a little conservative, grandma-like, and from what I gather from her side burns and tattooed lip liner and brows, she is pretty committed to being exactly not conservative. Eclectic style!
She is serious.
God, I love H.A.M.’s and God loves H.A.M.’s, too. They love the way they look and we love looking at them. One thing we can take from them is their intense self love and acceptance. Some of us need to love the way we look a little more. Remember, when you look good you feel good. And just in case you need a little help with the makeup, check out this and this. Mad love, Sisters.
Love it. Live it. Share it.