Ever need a new beginning? Yeah. Me too. It just so happens I got one and it started 5 days ago. The universe and its energy amazes me. I remember being all bitchy and shit when people would say, “I’m putting it out there, into the universe.” I didn’t get it therefore I didn’t respect it. But I do now. I will never forget looking at my babies a year ago, they had everything. A rug was about to be pulled out from under them and I was afraid. Afraid they wouldn’t be happy anymore because I wasn’t going to be able to give them everything they had at that moment. I was taking them from their beautiful home and neighborhood where our roots were implanted deep and strong and moving them into my moms house because she needed me there and not knowing then but I needed her, too. See, our mom is sick. She was diagnosed with a rare form of dementia, called FTD or Frontal Temporal Dementia, exactly 1 year ago. She is 63. She is beautiful, that has not changed. But everything else has. She used to laugh. Really fucking hard. I remember making a point of saying the most obscure, messed up stuff to her because she would air laugh. Laugh so hard nothing would come out but air. She was feisty. She used to cook for us. She used to drink wine with me. All night long on her front porch and we would laugh and talk. We used to fight like sisters and then make up like sisters. She was a cool ass mom. Was, because she no longer exists that way.
My kids, boxers, and I moved in and I didn’t really know what to expect. We spent a full year there and no one, not even my siblings know what it was really like for me. They each are warriors in my mind because each one of them has had to deal with the same pain and realizations as me and each one of them has been dutiful and beautiful in their own kick ass ways for our mom and for one another. But living there… it was different than visiting and certainly not for the weak. Watching your mother, who was once your best friend, slowly turn into a child is really fucking hard. It ripped my heart out. I started off crying every time I was alone or saw my mom do something that was the fault of her disease. I cried a lot, privately, the first 2 months but then I stopped. My mothers disease hardened me. I began to block it all out. I had to protect myself from the pain because I had my babies. I needed to be happy for my babies. I suppressed all of the pain and all of the things I witnessed while living there. I had to or else I would have gone bonkers. It was a defense mechanism, not being emotionally present for her but being emotionally present for my kids. I know I didn’t do the best job for my mom but I did the best I could for all 4 of us collectively.
I was also going through my divorce at the same time. Yep, sure was. It was a mess and it was not easy. Not easy at all but it is my life and my story and I embrace it all. I either embrace it or I turn into a bitter bitch who can’t let go of a God damn thing. I could blame everyone and everything for my misfortunes, I could hate men, I could hate God, I could sit and talk your ear off about how much I suffered watching my mom slowly decline while going through a divorce, but I wont. No way, Jose! That is not how I roll. Throughout the year I kept repeating my personal mantra, “There is an end, be patient, and it will bring you your new beginning.” I also had the support and love of my siblings and dad. The Massarella’s are as thick as thieves (thanks, Caroline!). Basically, though, it is the universe who brought me my new beginning. I remained positive and hopeful. Of course there were times of despair and negativity. I am a human, but I focused on putting positive energy out into the universe because I needed that positive energy to come back to me. You attract like energy and after my experiences I was only letting one type of energy into my new life and that shit was going to be positive, yo.
And then it happened. The end. And wouldn’t you know it? Along came my new beginning. My heart and mind are more bountiful and beautiful than ever. The universe has brought me beautiful people while the not so beautiful ones have slowly slipped away (adios assholes!), I have my health and my mind, the two loves of my life and a great house for the three of us. My kids and I moved into our beautiful, little home last week and the rest will be history. My babies are happier than ever (making me happier than ever!) and the three of us are grateful and thankful every single day for our experiences and the chance to start over, together, and build a new life, happily, with great health and hearts. I have mad love for new beginnings and the power of positivity. This post is a ginormous shout out to the universe and its faithful way of always giving back exactly what you give it.
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