The Mister Project often likes to say that I rope him into reality show addictions. However, the truth is quite the contrary. I didn’t even know what “The Housewives” of any city were until HE told me about them. The Bachelor? Oh yes, he got me into that one too. What about Survivor? Anyone still watching that one or just us? I had never even seen an episode of that show until we met. And guess what, now I am obsessed. I want to be on Survivor. And I’m pretty sure TMP may audition for a job on Bravo’s Below Deck next summer…I’ll keep you posted. Reality shows get a bad wrap. People love to hate this genre of television and even the people on the show. This brings us to Vanderpump Rules. I mean, yes, you may feel a little dumber after watching a an episode of VPump (let alone a marathon), but it’s become just so hard to resist. First off, the cast is gorgeous. Who doesn’t love watching a bunch of beautiful people break up and make up. Second, no matter how much they majorly screw up, which they do often, moneybags Lisa V rarely ever fires anyone. And third, Hot Peter. But him and I have some talking to do…I’m not sure how I feel about his man bob. Since I have gotten TMP soooo addicted to Bravo Reality, HE thought it’d be fun to have a little banter over our favorite and least favorite moments, cast members and couples. We’re about halfway thru the season, let’s see where we both stand. Here we go!
Lauren: I’m going all cheesy on you because I loved when Tom proposed to Katie. I thought all of the events leading up to him proposing were adorable, from picking out the ring with his friends to his pretend proposal to Lisa V. His proposal to Katie was perfection. Surrounded by their best friends and that girl Britney. Plus, he totally pulled off a big surprise and came up with a pretty original plan to ask Katie to be his forever roommate. I like this couple, I think they’re cute and well matched. Tom is a doozy and although he’s a little silly and quirky, I have faith he’ll be a good man wife to Katie. To be fair, I love proposals, so this was an easy on for me. Cheers to the happy couple!
The Mister Project: For the record, everything she said about me in that intro is true. I miss the good old NYC days with Jill Zarin and I’m not ashamed. Second – my favorite VPump moment shockingly involves Tom Sandoval. Peter wanted to have a birthday bash in Vegas and the girls were not ready to sign off on that shit – especially Ariana. She was clearly going through some stuff with missing her dad on her birthday and wasn’t at all interested in Tom leaving town for this Vegas debauchery. As she was in tears about the whole thing he gave a heartfelt speech saying “I’m always gonna be there….for you” – almost starts crying himself (maybe he really can act!). Her tears quickly turn into happiness but just as quickly Tom then segues into the Vegas trip again with…..”but apparently he [Peter] told me that we’re going to a construction yard and we’re taking bulldozers and crushing shit with bulldozers.” Ariana’s face immediately transforms and looks like she just ate a whole handful of sour patch kids.
Least Favorite Moment
Lauren: As I mentioned earlier, I am not feeling Hot Peter’s short hair do. Let’s all be honest, he was like our modern day, brown haired Fabio with that long hair and unbuttoned white shirt. Needless to say, easy on the eyes. When he went in to get his hair cut off I was hoping for maybe some shaved sides and a permanent man bun or something. Nope. Nope, not at all. Who in their right mind gives a dude a bob?! A super short bob is awful. Even the name of the cut sucks. Bob. It was a sad day when Hot Peter cut his long locks off. He needs to button his shirt back up now and wait until his hair grows back out for the look to be fully complete.
The Mister Project: Of course my least favorite moment involves my least favorite cast member – James. F%$&-ing James! This ass-clown manages to get slightly involved with Lala, thanks to her absolutely-up-for-anything/anyone vibe she puts out there. Well – shocker – Kristen really puts a dent into his plan when she tells Lala he was talking shit about her. You would think Lala smartens up and stays pissed for more than a day. Instead she lets this weasel back into her good graces, but says she doesn’t want anything serious and he’s allowed to do what he wants. Well this brings me to my least favorite moment, when this jackass shows up to work in yet another tank top, only this time he has bite and scratch marks all over his body. When he tells Lala he got these marks having sex with some mystery girl – she actually gets pissed off rather than just laugh off what an idiot he is. That in turn pissed me off cause – why would she let this dickwad make her jealous? He’s terrible, but yet his ploy worked and he actually did rile her up. The only silver lining in this moment is that James’s mystery girl turns out to be the hostess girl Lala was confiding in the whole day….oh and that girl also had a boyfriend who also works at SUR. Only in VPump!
Favorite Cast Member
Lauren: I’m coming in hot with Jax. I know, you’re probably shocked and wondering what the hell I am thinking, but hear me out. Jax has had THE worst reputation since the show started. Cheating on his ladies, making out with his best buddies girlfriend, spreading gossip…does it get any worse than this? Hardly. Now, is it just me or has Jax tried to turn a new leaf? Granted, he still hates James because we all know that he wants to make out with Lala (pretty girl, awful name) and he’s jealous. As of yet, he hasn’t made out with her, he’s making good with crazy Kristen and he even let his mismatched girlfriend move into his pad. Side note: I don’t know what’s more shocking, that he let Britney move in or that he’s dating a girl like Britney. They couldn’t be more opposite. For now, I am team Jax. I cannot wait to see how he screws it all up in the second half of the season!
The Mister Project: I agree – Jax is the focal point of all the shitheadedness that usually occurs on the show, and I appreciate this always. But, I have to say that the metrosexual model goofball Schwartz might be my favorite this year. I mean, this dude has his head up his ass most every episode but he does it in such a way you actually root for him. I love how he is blatantly too useless to work at SUR but he still hangs around like he does and Lisa still loves him, even despite his clueless pitching of that lame Sangria business non-plan he had. He clearly has been having trouble taking this next step in life with Katie, but manages to clumsily flip flop his way thru it all. His metrosexual-ness is off the charts but he gets away with it without being disliked which is impressive – just cause he’s Schwartz. He pretty much admits to not being able to do much besides modeling and I think I respect him more for that. His proposal move was also pretty slick.
Least Favorite Cast Member
Lauren: At the moment, Lala is my least favorite. I really want to like her so much because I love a gorgeous woman who is in charge and takes matters into her own hands, but come on! James? Really? Even after Kristen (who is crazy) told her all the awful things he said about her AND after he got ravaged by that sadistic hostess, she still wants to make out and make music with him? I just can’t. Besides the fact that her name drives me bananas, she has the opportunity to not be a total ding dong of a girl. But no…she decides to be a total ding dong of a girl. There is not a doubt in my mind that her and Jax will totally make out causing copious amounts of drama and I can barely wait to see when it happens! Lalalalalalalala!
The Mister Project: James you slimy British bastard. Why do you look like a lizard? I can’t even believe this schmuck came into this season still with Kristen. Then he actually goes to couples therapy with Kristen and that failed – what a surprise. Who goes to couples therapy with Kristen? The worst is when he gets in an argument and tries to talk fast in his British accent and just resorts to immature high school-type comments. Actually what’s worse is when he gets drunk and is chugging Fireball and acting like a douche. And worse yet – his constant tank top and headphone look. My other least favorite moment is when he shows up at Lala’s house to supposedly help her make a song and the whole time he is getting way too close to her and trying to grope her the whole time and then says how he loves to get bitten. What a worm. Jax definitely gets points for being a dick to him this season. Though I did feel the littlest bit bad for James when he was looking at the SUR schedule with Lisa and seeing how everyone was off cause they’re going to Hawaii but he wasn’t invited. You think he would take the hint, but no. Here’s a hint to Bravo: please let this be his last season. Or I will refuse to watch! (yeah right)
Lauren: Hands down, Ken, Lisa and Giggy. It’s literally the perfect threesome. First off, Lisa V is a powerhouse and even though I heard the food is below average at Sur, she still is doing something right. Then we have Ken, who caters to her and Giggy’s every single need. In the midst of Gay Pride chaos, Lisa asks Ken to drop everything and take her home to change and his response is: “of course I will”. He adores her and I think it’s adorable. They are totally on the same page, both as equally as flamboyant as the other (along with Giggy) and they some how know how to run a restaurant that is filled with a bunch of kids who all they care about is making out and being gorgeous. Again, perfect reason to watch the show. I am all about Lisa and Ken and love every moment they are on the screen. And hello! Ken could care less that Lisa V gives rub downs to her pet swans!
The Mister Project: Tom Schwartz and Tom Sandoval: hands down. I mean come on – they are the true indestructible couple on this show. LA can get sucked into the San Andreas fault while SUR goes down in flames and The Toms would be shirtless holding each other til the very end. Even with Jax throwing wrenches into everything and breaking every guy code in the book – these two pretty boys manage to keep their bromanctic relationship separate and sacred. And when Schwartz was getting engaged and asked for Sandoval’s help, of course he was all-in and not only that – he went on how proud of Schwartz he was. Guys usually don’t talk like this I swear, but of course this is VPump. When Schwartz finally pops the question watch the camera as it cuts to Sandoval and he is fighting back tears. This is a metrosexual bromance at its highest level.
Least Favorite Couple
Lauren: I don’t “dislike” this couple so much as I frigging loathe their taste in interior decoration. Before reading on, can anyone think of one couple on the show with the most ridiculous use of wall space? Next time cameras make their way into Scheana and Shay’s casa keep an eye out for the gigantic wedding photos hung all over the house. We’re not talking 4×6 photos, heck, not even 8×11. We are talking 30×40 muy romantico, close up photos from their wedding day. Like something from the cover of a semi erotic novela. Side note: I feel so bad for Shay. He legitimately has a problem with prescription pills and it annoys the F out of me that Scheana thinks he will not take one more pill to make her the happiest wife on the planet. She needs to get a reality check and help him get help. Let’s just all be honest here.
The Mister Project: Kristen and anyone. Kristen finally got slightly semi-likable in this show, and why? Cause she finally ditched that pencil James, realizing that he was a rebound all along (a terrible 2 year rebound). As soon as she gets single she was still clearly a menace, but seemed a happier menace. She swiftly raised hell for James and LaLa which was great and then tried to apologize to Ariana and that went awesomely and predictably wrong. But when she’s in a relationship – she turns into the worst person in the world and it becomes not even fun to watch. She just loves being miserable and I really have a hard time watching her when she gets pissed off and crazy and says “we are so done!” then chain smokes angrily in an alley and later we see her crying and wanting to get back together with them. Both her relationships were terrible to watch (Sandoval and James), so the best thing for the show would be for Hurricane Crazy F$%&-ing Kristen to stay where she does best – in the single scene.
Second Half of the Season Predictions
Lauren: For sure Lala is going to make out with Jax, most likely after he tries to steal from a Sunglass Hut. String bean James is going to try to fight him and the Toms will help break up the fight. This fight will probably happen during Scheana’s birthday party and it will leave her crying and screaming about why it’s happening at her birthday party. I know this, because it always happens at one of her parties. We’ll see the first steps of Katie and Tom planning their wedding (that will be the theme of the next season) and there will be drama as to who Katie chooses to be in her wedding, duh. I seriously just cannot wait to hear why Jax stole sunglasses. Speaking of Jax, let’s reminisce about the time I almost torched my whole head of hair trying to get a selfie with the notorious player.
The Mister Project: Jax is going to Jax this season up soon. He’s going to get arrested of course for shoplifting sunglasses (hilarious), but he will definitely do something else dumb. And they are making it seem like Stassi comes back into the mix and wants to get back with him, but I’m not sure I’m buying that. That Hawaii trip will definitely turn into a shitshow either because of Hurricane Kristen or ass-clown James. Or Lala will continue to shake things up for Jax and his impending serious relationship with what’s her name. Lisa V will most assuredly allow some blowup fight to happen again either in the restaurant or out back and yet again – no one will get fired or get in trouble. The fun will be in the Reunion. And then I can turn my attention to Season 4 of Below Deck and submit my application to the venerable Captain Lee to be a deckhand on the glorious Eros yacht.
TSPeeps, don’t be ashamed, we know you watch VPump too…we want to hear from you! Who do you love, who do you not love?
Love it. Live it. Share it.