Stress. It is a silent, private, invisible parasite. It lives inside all of us. But not everyone has bountiful amounts of it that could kill a horse. Now, I don’t think I have enough to kill a horse but I definitely think I have enough to kill me. Stress and I are old friends, see. I grew up thinking she was my best friend because we were together constantly. Everywhere I went, she was right there with me. Birthday parties, sitting next to me on the alphabet circle in kindergarten, before I fell asleep, when I woke up… stress and I were tight as hell. Then I got smart and realized she was just some b!tch hanging out with me, taking advantage of me because I was weak and vulnerable so I kicked her a$$ to the curb. Every now and then she would come back, creeping in on my life trying to become BFF’s again. I was tough as hell, though, and I learned how to control her, or control myself rather… until now. She’s back. If you have been following TSP you know I have had a couple of really rough years… like, the roughest and guess what? It has caught up with me. I realize everything takes time. I have been patient and have been pretty good about facing the realities of my new life, learning and making adjustments as time goes on, but there is kind of a major issue that I just can’t seem to fix. One that has me in a little pickle. I literally, do not possess the knowledge or life experience to produce the success I need in order to get to the place I want and need to be. Is that an excuse? No. It is reality. I mean, I am not joking when I tell you I literally never had to pay a bill in my life until my divorce last year. Am I bragging? Oh, God. No. I am actually embarrassed to admit it. I am basically an 18-year-old kid on her own for the first time. But I am not 18. I am 36 with 2 kids and a sh!tload of bills and responsibilities. Not only that, but as I have mentioned I also struggle with ADHD and learning disabilities which make this whole being a responsible adult/single parent/working mom thing kind of, I mean, really effing hard. At times I think it may be impossible. Let me explain. I never went away to school or lived outside of my parents home for more than a month before I went from mommy and daddy to husband number 1. From there, I went back to mommy and daddy to husband number 2. From there, I went to a place that was so foreign and scary to me I felt like I was in the heart of frigging Baghdad during an air raid. Every frigging day. That place is where I am right this very moment. A single mother with two young kids in Baghdad. I remember the fear setting in, when my marriage failed. I would suppress it and shut it off before the thoughts and fears had a chance to penetrate me and affect my emotional state. It could not affect me. I had to just look forward. Move forward. Make it one day at a time. Well, that my friends, has me stopped dead in my tracks. Not the fear, the suppression. The suppression and not knowing how to get an electric bill put in my name, stuff like that. Taking in all of the stress and all of those fears and suppressing them has jacked me up. Big time. For a long time I felt like I was doing great. People even made comments to me, asking me how I do it, keep it together under all of the stress and sh!t. Some of my friends even told me they looked up to me and idolized me for being able to go through all of this while laughing. Just so you all understand, I was actually good. I felt good. Yes, I had stress up the wazoo but I too was impressed with myself. Oh, and laughing was/is huge. I actually think it is the laughing that has kept me sane. But get this! At the same time, it is the laughing that has crippled my soul. See, sometimes, laughing is used as a front to keep myself from feeling as well as keeping others from knowing the pain that is going on inside of me. There is something about this I will never forget. My mom went to a psychic once when I was actually quite young, maybe 10, and when she came home she told me what the woman said about me when she showed her my picture. She said “this one smiles on the outside and cries on the inside”. It was profound. Profound because she was right and I knew it as a little girl. It is not a matter of pride. I don’t keep people from knowing and myself from showing my pain so people think I am awesome and a bad ass. I don’t give a flying fuc$ what any of y’all think of me, actually. My laughing/making people laugh when I should probably be talking/crying is more or less a defense mechanism I developed to protect myself from feeling pain. If people saw it then I would have to talk about it. And talking about it makes it real. And sometimes, sh!t sucks so much or hurts so bad you don’t want it to be real. We all know that kind of pain and pain is relative so… we have all been there. But it is how we deal with the pain that matters. Well, I haven’t been dealing with it right and it has caught up with me. I am now physically affected by it all. I am sick. Don’t go worrying and writing up my eulogy just yet. I am not dying but I am definitely experiencing physical ailments from not dealing with my stress the right way. Now listen here, I am not getting into all of this so I have a bunch of people worried and feeling sorry for my a$$. That is not how I roll. I am telling you all of this because I want to help someone. I am telling you stress must be handled with care or it will kill you. Suppressing emotions, stress, and thoughts is dangerous and it doesn’t do anything but put a band aid over a little paper cut that will turn into a cancerous ulcer if it isn’t acknowledged and tended to that moment. My life got busy. Too busy to tend to myself and my own personal demons and needs. I kept putting off dealing with the stresses. I just kept laughing, working and looking ahead… I didn’t stop. I never stopped to breathe, I didn’t stop to learn how to live my new life. I just kept trucking. And now I am tired. My body and mind are tired. I am going to get healthy. I am going to meditate everyday. I am going to consult people in my life who can help me run my business effectively and properly. I am going to eat better. Whole foods, everyday. I am going to stop and breathe and enjoy and embrace today and deal with tomorrow when it comes. I guess the point is… I have come too far, only to come this far. I need to get myself, my mind, my body, and my soul in sync and balanced because I have so much further to go and that pain in the a$$ stress ain’t coming with me.
Beauty goddess. Glamour blogger. Mother and socialite. Feisty spirit with a sassy sense of humor and bold creative vision. Obsessed with products, fashion, and fitness.