Lists are kind of the theme of my life these days. I have them everywhere – on my fridge, in my purse, on my desk, on my nightstands. I started writing a list of things I wish I knew when I was younger and somehow it evolved into this. Here is a list of things I believe in, I have experienced, and I know. Enjoy.
- Trust your gut. If you have stomach issues and food sensitivities try an elimination diet. I spent 20 years going back and forth to doctors for my messed up gut only to try an elimination diet on my own and finding out I have major sensitivities to dairy and gluten. Major. Try Fennel drops to ease the tummy.
- The Chola look isn’t a good look. Eyeliner should only be worn on the eyes, never on the lips. Grab my favorite YSL lipliner for that.
- Blondes have more fun, but… blonde hair requires maintenance and money. Make sure you know this before you fry your pretty locks because it just never seems to look the same when you try to go back.
- Don’t fart in front of your boy. Just don’t. Nothing good will come from it other than your jeans loosening up a bit.
- Bangs are a bitch to grow out. Think. Then cut.
- Breaking up is hard to do. Some friendships are made to be broken. Heartbreak can happen between friends, and although it sucks, consider it a growing pain. Finding out who your real friends are and moving on will ensure you a kick ass tribe in the future.
- Trust issues. Don’t ever trust a fart unless you don’t mind accidentally shitting in your pants at the symphony. It happened to someone I know.
- Fashion is something you buy, style is something you have. Have fun and trust your style. Express yourself and do you right.
- Fragrance is personal. Don’t share it. Ever. I don’t tell anyone the name of my fragrance because scents are intimate. I want my smell to be exclusive to me, at least in my neighborhood and within my group of friends.
- Boobs are like snowflakes. They are all different. Some have pink suckies and some have brown chewies. Some are perky and some aren’t. Some are big and some are small. Embrace your boobs, have fun with them and don’t hide them in the bedroom.
- If a guy says he will call you and doesn’t, he isn’t into you. Know it. Believe me, if he wanted to see you, he would see you. Move on, girl.
- Imitation really is a form of flattery. It can be super annoying and frustrating when your BFF robs you of your style but hey, at least she didn’t rob you of your man! If someone copies off of you, embrace it. It means you know what’s up, girl.
- Do not take yourself too seriously. If you do, people will laugh at you instead of with you and that ain’t no fun.
- Let your vagina speak to you. She will let you know if there is chemistry. Aching loins are what you want when you are getting to know someone. You can’t fake that shit.
- Brush your tongue. I don’t really know why I feel like I need to mention this. Maybe it was the woman who checked me out at the Jewel yesterday who had a white cake tongue and breath that could kill. Maybe she will read this.
- When someone shows you who they are, believe them. This took me YEARS to realize. I learned to realize this at a young age with chicks, but the dudes fooled me for a while. When a guy shows you he is a piece a garbage, he’s a piece of garbage and he isn’t going to morph into anything more.
- You need a pair of killer jeans, high ass black pumps, a gorgeous blazer, and a sexy LBD in your closet. Oh, and a piece of nice lingerie, too.
- Less history, more mystery. When you are getting to know someone who you are interested in, there is absolutely no reason for you to tell him/her about the time you got dead horsed at a frat house or even about your year of ripping lines every weekend. Unless, you don’t want them to call you again. We all got shit. Keep it for you.
- Kissing. It is HUGE. If the person you are kissing doesn’t kiss you the way you like to be kissed, kindly take a step back, put your hand out, shake his hand, say nice to meet you and move the f^c& on.
- There are wolves in sheeps clothing. Not everyone is your friend so be careful what you say and who you say it to. We all find this out one way or another and it sucks and hurts but it is true. Beware.
- If a man wants to buy you a drink, accept it only if you think he’s attractive. Nothing fun or cool about being stuck talking to some tool with a hairpiece, cigar breath and a pink polka dot pocket square for a free vodka cranberry. Classy bitches politely decline the offer, desperate ones get cornered by “that” guy.
- Test drive the car before you buy it. And what I mean by that is make sure you see his ding dong and play with it before you commit. This doesn’t make you are a whore, this makes you smart. And you won’t go to hell if you do, however you could potentially live in hell with his little tiny pinky dick if you don’t.
- True love doesn’t hurt. If he’s mean to you or makes you cry, it isn’t love. It’s bullshit. And life is too short and you are too awesome to settle for that sh!t. Run. Fast.
Check out my beauty hacks while you’re enjoying yourself here at TSP. This one is one of my favorites.
I am interested in hearing some of your thoughts. What would you put on this list and more importantly have you ever shit in your pants at the symphony?