Attention citizens of the TSP world!!!! At the moment, I have several issues with America. I am not positive where all of them fall on the “important” spectrum of our readers, however, I think they are mucho importante. Before I go on, let it be known I frigging love this country! Some of my peeps came over from Italy and made a beautiful life here which I am fortunate enough to be a part of now. But as in all things, we’re not perfect. In fact, there is a lot that needs fixing because some shit is seriously broken. Obviously, among many other things we need to sort out including and not limited to; equal rights, healthcare, I have a vagina, it’s mine, and if you don’t have a vagina, please don’t tell me what to do with it, immigration issues, terrorism, mother nature, gun control..there are other aspects of daily life I find we need some chatting about. Today I am here to announce that I have joined in on the Presidential Elections of The United States of America and this is what I would change and how I would run this cool ass country if I were in charge. Who is with me, TSPeeps!? Peace out!
Ten days more! Whether you want to stay holed up in your house for days straight watching Bravo or porn, check out what your cool ass city has to offer or go see the world…ten weekdays is not nearly enough time for any of that. Plain and simple. If I were president, it would be made a law that working peeps get at least three weeks off at the get go. And this does not exclude stay at home moms. You get time off too! Hell yeah! Ten days off out of 365 looks pretty damn silly when you actually type it out and say it out loud. Listen, I get that not everyone wants to travel, but I bet everyone would want three weeks PAID off to chill out however they please because they’ve been working all damn year…am I right? That’s my point here. Look at the mullet, even the mullet knows that life is not all work and no play. #businessinthefront #partyintheback
Butt cleaners for all! Can someone tell me why one of the wealthiest countries in the world isn’t outfitted with bidets like everyone else? Why does every other country I have been to have butt cleaners and we don’t? Think about it. You go to the bathroom, you wash your tush, then you pull up your drawers and you’re on your way…sounds lovely, doesn’t it? That’s because it is. Bidets should be mandatory. I mean for crying out loud, you try to be sanitary and buy the “flushable” tissues and guess what happens? You backup your entire plumbing system and poop starts flying out the pipes. Give everyone a bidet, you save money, you use less waste and everyone is walking around with a nice clean dupa. Bidets for all!!!
Sayonara zoos! Want to know what else I would do? I’d end all zoos and establishments that hold animals in captivity with the exception of those that serve as a sanctuary, clinic or place of refuge. Places that have animals in cages as a source of entertainment are evil and will exist no longer. Done. Finito. The End. History! How would you like to spend life in prison while people and kids with runny boogers bang on the glass you sit behind? Nope.
Option to Meditate is Mandatory. Every school and place of employment would offer yoga and/or meditation classes to their students and employees. Whether it is taught at the office or they are covered at a studio by the head honchos, it would be encouraged and offered everywhere. Students would have the option to take classes on meditation and yoga which would be implemented in their daily schedule. It has been proven that meditation physically changes the brain for the good and also decreases levels of stress. How are we missing the mark here, people?! Here are some tips to get you started while I put a plan in place.
Bullies and B!tches. Well, if we had meditation in schools and work I would suspect the amount of bullies and bitches would go down. Yet again, you never know. So, just to be safe you would wear a big ass B on your sweater like Laverne’s “L” from Laverne and Shirley until you decide to stop being a little a$$hole. Basically, everyone will know you’re a jerk and you’ll have no choice but to adjust to the normal standards of being a human and be nice. Then and only then would your B be taken away. I don’t care if you’re 5 or 50. If you’re a bully or a bitch, you’re wearing a B. Deal? In the meantime, here are some tips on how to handle the resident B in the work place.
Ready to peace out? Hear me out. I’m not saying anyone that wants to meet their maker should have the right to do so, however, those who have no more control over their bodies, minds and dignity may have the option to peace out with dignity. Yes, it is painful for everyone involved, but it is also painful to watch loved ones struggle, suffer and lose the battle…yet still be alive.
Just what I ordered, mystery meat! Want to know what’s in your food and how sick some of the stuff the government allows you to shovel into your mouth? Perfect! No more secrets. You will know the good, the bad and the ugly of what we consume on a daily basis. Since you are a human being and you need nourishment to keep your body healthy, you will have the right to know it all AND you and your family will have a plethora of affordable and healthier options at your disposal.
Did I already say that if you don’t have a vagina, don’t tell me what to do with mine? Or even if you do have one, still don’t tell me what to do with mine? That is all.
You have options and they are covered. Looking to treat your illness or sick kid with a little alternative medicine? What’s that? You’re having a breakdown and need a little mental help so you don’t go bananas? No worries. It’s covered. You will have options and will have the resources to treat and care for your mental health without adding more anxiety to your situation. There will be no stigma attached to the idea that everyone has the right to treat their mental health just as good as they do their physical health.
Dementia. It’s an epidemic. Joining other top terminal diseases and illnesses, dementia is on its way up as the number one killer of not so elderly and elderly humans. Resources would be allocated in a heavy duty way, more than ever before, to begin to understand this disease better and also how it can be avoided, and create some form of something to help in someway. Currently for my mother’s form of dementia, FTD, there is literally absolutely NOTHING that can be done to help. Like, at all and if you ask me, that is f$&@#*! garbage. I mean, are the people in charge really okay with their pappies and grammies getting the ole’ Alzheimer’s or is there a secret stash of pills I don’t know about? What’s the deal? And if there is a stash, I am going to throw some nylons over my head and go get me some!
Marijuana will be legal. Especially when it comes to medicinal options for citizens, marijuana would be as accessible as Advil. You have raging anxiety? Let’s try this strain. Going through chemo and suffering from vertigo and nausea? Maybe this will help. We should have options and not only those that come in pill form.
Same sex marriage legal EVERYWHERE. Do we really need to discuss this one? Love is love.
All One, All Equal. In all ways, shapes and forms my cool ass team would work tirelessly, daily, around the clock to assure that the people are all treated and respected as One. Whether you’re black, white, neon pink, man, woman, in transition, a fast food employee, a CEO, single, married, an atheist, holy roller, gay or straight, it doesn’t matter, we are all ONE.
I hear you new moms! While chatting on a beach in Australia with an awesome Canadian couple, we got onto the topic of maternity leave. No, I am not currently housing a human within me. In any case, it was brought to my attention that Canada has some seriously cool ass laws set in place for new moms and dads. Can I hear an AMEN for 17 – 52 weeks PAID maternity leave and your job when you return?! I’m not a mom, but I know enough moms to know the massive changes their lives, emotional states and bodies go through. How is three months even considered enough time for a new mother, father, and baby to become acclimated? We have our whole lives to work! Allow the people time to enjoy the beautiful moments of a new family member (whether biological or adopted) for crying out loud.
There you have it TSPeeps! All I am trying to do is spread the love, good vibes and fairness across the board. Imagine a world where everyone treated each other with respect, took time to meditate daily because it has been implemented and encouraged, spent time with their families without thinking about work, put only good things in their bodies, had the chance to see a shrink when they needed to and didn’t have to go to the zoo to see animals that have gone insane? That would be incredible. And I’d be the coolest wine drinking, cat loving president that’s ever existed! Side note: I listened to some awesome music from the 60’s while I wrote this entire post and am feeling extraordinarily hippie right now. PEACE. ALL ONE. XO
VOTE FOR LAUREN, IT WON’T BE BORIN!
Love it. Live it. Share it.
Photo Credit: Jeff Sciortino