If I had a quarter for every time someone asked when we are going to have a baby I’d be filthy rich, just rolling in dough! At this moment, I do not have the innate want or need to have a child yet. I am sure one day I will house a human in my body, but just as much as some people can’t wait another moment to have a baby, I can wait many moments. For the record, I love children – well most of them. I’ve met a couple a-holes along the way I can do without. Like that one time I was sitting in the airport and a five-year-old sat right up next to me, picked his nose and stared at me for a whole hour while mom plucked her eyebrows. I tried to shoo him away by staring back and even muttered, a “go on, get out of here”…he didn’t budge. But for the most part, I think kids are hilarious and quite cute. They’re kind of like mini drunk people who get to say and do whatever they want. I admire that about them. I also like giving said children back to their owners. It’s a luxury I have as an aunt of ten.
The thought of having a kid does sound like fun to me. I love the idea of experiencing the holidays (I LOVE Halloween and Christmas) as a kid again with your kid. And certainly a mini me and Mister Project is an incredibly sweet and beautiful thought. Not to mention that TMP is so great with children, probably because he’s still half a kid himself. And although I know nothing about being a mother, helping care for my mom has taught me invaluable lessons on caring for another human being and finding more patience and more love within. Two things I wasn’t sure if I had more of, but I do. Now if you were to ask me “are you nervous to one day have a kid?” of course I am and that’s a conversation I’m willing to have. I have a list of concerns about having a kid. Some questions pertaining directly to being a mother, will I be good enough, and others selfishly pertaining to aspects of my life that I love and am not quite ready to give up just yet. I don’t mind when people ask when we are going to have a kid or say how much I will love being a mother or give me advice on what I should do with my reproductive system in the meantime. I try to be diplomatic and answer honestly, which is usually “I’m sure one day.” That’s truly about as much as I know. In other words, when we are ready to put a timeout to a lot of the things we love about our life and add a new love into it, that is when it will happen. That or when I drink too many Old Fashions and it happens by accident, which seems more likely. In any case, there are a host of other things that go through my brain when I’m put on the spot. Here’s a glimpse of what goes on in my head when I hear, “when are you going to have a baby?”:
- I think back to when people have told me I should have kids, that I will loooooooove having a kid, then the next day they told me they wanted to kill their kids. That confuses me.
- Everyone tells me how exhausting it is, that they haven’t slept or showered, have no time to eat (I can actually use that problem) and all of that scares the sh!t out of me too.
- I begin to plan the protests I will stage outside of the kid’s school cafeteria to fight for better meals and an end to bullying.
- I suddenly hear a child screaming.
- I tweak out a bit thinking of all the changes. The physical, the emotional, the financial. All of them including changing my bohemian, travel themed guest room into a holding cell for a small human.
- I particularly enjoy when they follow up the main question with “your life completely changes when you have children”. Duuuhhhhh. I know! That’s what’s taking me so long…homegirl isn’t ready for all of that change just yet. Bah!
- Or when I’m told “you can’t travel with children”, I think of all the ways I will travel with a child and prove the world wrong. My kid would fly out of me holding a passport and a carry on. Plus, I don’t like the word “can’t”…at all.
- I know some people think a baby with smeared food all over it’s face is cute, but I think it’s gross. Is that bad?
- Have you ever seen that scene in The Hand That Rocks The Cradle where Rebecca De Mornay confronts the turd that is bullying the little girl? That would be me. And I would probably go to jail.
- Can I still nap?
- I think of all the delivery room horror stories I have heard over the past ten years. Words like “tearing” and “ripped” infiltrate my brain.
- What if it’s weird like me and thinks it’s Buffy the Vampire Slayer or a pagan witch at age 9?
- I think back to an article I read titled “Nobody Told Me About The Darkness”, which scared the bloody hell out of me and I think for sure added a year of waiting for us. Sounds like a title to a scary movie.
- What if it doesn’t happen right away? Or it takes a long time once we are ready?! Ahhh! The pressure!
- I barely have time to do everything I need to do as it is, how is it possible to add a human to the madness and expect to get my to do list done?! I guess will have to expose my superwoman powers to the world like all the other mothers when the time comes.
- Just because I don’t have a child at this second is no need to panic. It can still happen as I’m only 33, not 53.
- Exactly what time would I have to be up in the morning??
- Breast pumps, chapped nips, and lactation help oh my!!! Thank God for these people!
- I’ve tried and tried, but I don’t have a voice that transitions when I talk to babies or children. They get what everyone else gets, the adult Lauren voice.
- If I’m anything like my dad I will scare the sh!t out of my kid when it acts out or talks back. He would bend over down to eye level and speak without moving his teeth. He would literally speak through his teeth, only lips moving. Try it next time, it works.
- I think of the time Jennifer Garner read, Go The F$@& Asleep and wonder if I can read the same thing to my kid or if that is bad???
- Can I raise my kid as a vegetarian too? Just curious.
- During some conversations I wonder if there will be a pelvic exam included and if they take Blue Cross Blue Shield.
- When I’m holding a baby and someone tells me I look cute holding a baby, I think to myself, I also look real cute not holding one. Sometimes I accidentally say it loud too.
As I am sure many women have the same or similar fears, these are mine. I have a dear friend who has told me, “you’re never really completely ready to have a baby, you get pregnant and then you get ready along the way.” I like that advice. No pressure, no stress, but that’s kind of how she is anyway, very chill. With all this being said, it’s true that being a mother is equivalent to being a superhero. It isn’t a job for the weak and wary. For all the moms in my life and in the world, keep up the good work. You are all a huge source of inspiration for all the scaredy cat maybe one day moms like myself out there.
Disclaimer: I am fully aware that although I have listed reasons why I am freaked out about having kids, ironically, this post will of course work against me and people will tell me a) maybe you shouldn’t have children or b) you must have baby on the brain. But it’s all good, as that is what wine and deep breaths are for, of course. I think being a mother would be amazing and for the moment, for me, not being a mother is also amazing. I don’t think if you get married you have to have a kid right away or ever if that is your choice. We all have our own paths to follow. As hard as it is at times, I try my absolute hardest to live in the present moment and enjoy what life has given me thus far. Perhaps in the future, life will give me a baby. We shall see, only time will tell.
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