I think its about time I talk about dating. Dating in 2016. Dating as a 36 year old single mother of 2 little kids who have my heart and pretty much all of my time. Sometimes dating (or trying to) feels like a 4th job. My oh my, this is some crazy ass shit. I am in a very different place then I was the last time I hit up the dating circuit. Before, I was single with no kids, no baggage, no fear, no restrictions. That is a very different position to be in than the one I am in now. And speaking of positions, I have spent very little time in the positions I want to be in and more time in uncomfortable ones because ladies, it’s douche bag city up in here. Holy crap. To be fair, I have met one really great guy (who I am not dating but will remain very good friends with). That doesn’t really say much considering I have gone on probably 40+ first dates but it’s better than not meeting one great guy at all. Ok, so these days I use dating apps to meet the man of my dreams and dating apps are fascinating to me. We now rely on our fingertips to find love and lays. If it weren’t for dating apps I often wonder how I would even meet people. I have my babies 90% of the time and I don’t go out to meet men. I used to. I used to get all decked out, done the hell up and go out on the hunt. This was in my early 20’s, though.
Nowadays I throw on a pair of sweats, my hair in a bun and kick my feet up on the coffee table and swipe the shit out of my phone.
That is literally how I date and it’s fucking awesome. I mean, I can’t gamble an entire evening, getting all dolled up looking for prey, I mean a man, only to return empty handed or vagina’d. I literally don’t have the time or energy for that bologna. When I go out I go out to enjoy my friends not single guys bellied up to a bar. These dating apps give me the ability to interview (and investigate) potential suitors. It gives me a few days to make sure they are worth me washing my armpits for. Here is the problem I am running into. When I finally believe someone is cool and normal enough to meet face to face, my experience has proven 95% of the time these dudes are duds. Am I negative? No. I am honest, aware and realistic. There are some majorly humongous d bags out there and I happened to have met a bunch of them. I genuinely do appreciate dating apps, though. I guess it’s a love/hate thing. They suck and they are awesome but they are far more awesome than sucky. New age dating is giving people like me the chance to find love without having to leave the comfort of our frigging houses. Its brilliant but it can also be kind of scary if you aren’t using your noggin. I have learned a thing or two in my dating app experiences that are valuable enough to share with all of you.
Without further ado, my dating app advice and tips:
- First and foremost, trust your intuition. If something seems off and you sense something in your gut, listen to it.
- Always get the dude’s last name before beginning communication past the dating app. Guys either don’t mind this and give you their last name or shit in their pants and never get back to you after they change their drawers.
- Once you have their last name google the shit out of it.
- Check Facebook to see if you have any mutual friends. If you do, consider messaging the mutual friend asking them what they think of the guy. I do this every time I can and it has saved me from going out with some major douche bags.
- When you decide to go out and meet someone do not have them pick you up from your house. Meet them at your destination. Do I really need to elaborate on this? Ugh.The guy can be a freak and you don’t want him knowing where you live and you don’t want to be in his car.
- Do not rely on one picture. Pictures can be deceiving. Ask him to send you more if he only posts one. Yes it matters.
- People are unreliable self supporters. You need to be the judge about their personality. Do not rely on what they say about themselves.
- It takes more than two dates to know if he is the guy for you. Truth is, it may take several dates to see who this guy is going to be in your future. Don’t rush the heart. That thing loves love but doesn’t always tell the truth.
- Do not agree to have dinner with a guy on the first date. DO NOT. If the chemistry blows and he sucks huge donkey nuts, you want to be stuck there sucking on your bone in rib eye? Nope. Drinks first. Always.
- If you Bumble, try to be on the app at the peak time of 6pm. More goods to sift through. You’re welcome.
- Be authentic. If you are a bitch, be a bitch. There may just be a guy out there looking for a pretty bitch just like you. If you aren’t authentic you are wasting yours and other people’s time.
- Use recent pictures of yourself and make sure the dudes pics are recent too. Full body pictures are major (not slutty selfies). Dudes don’t like surprises in the form of junk in your trunk.
- If you are communicating with someone and he is disrespectful on a dating app, block him or if you think he is a serial killer or some shit report him.
- Make sure to give the first and last name of the guy you are meeting up with to a friend. Also add a picture of him.
- If a guy asks for a nude pic before you have ever met, he probably isn’t the guy who is going to court you like the gentleman you want and deserve. Bye bye.
- If you ask a guy for a dick pic it probably won’t be his dick and he probably won’t think you are a nice girl. Apparently this is a common thing among younger singles. I would rather walk on hot coals than ask a random for a dick pic.
- If a guy never invites you to his home after dating for a while he may in fact not have one. And if he does it’s probably a shithole or his wife is living there. I guess he could just not like you but what I am getting at is if you never go to his house, somethin’ ain’t right.
- Dating with children is difficult and even more difficult when trying to orchestrate a date with a guy who also has children. Patience is a virtue.
- Go into dating apps with an open mind and caution. People are not always who they say they are. Believe this and proceed.
- If you want to meet a nice guy just keep on trucking. You’ll meet him. Just have patience and faith that he is out there and that you deserve to find love!
- There are TONS of fish in the sea. Don’t settle for bottom feeders when you want Mahi Mahi.
- Actions speak louder than words. He may text sweet nothings but does he make himself available to whisper them into your ear?
- If a guy tries to pork you on the first or second date he probably just wants to pork you. If you’re cool with that then pork away!
- It is wise to be cautiously optimistic when dating. This will keep you from being dumb.
- If a guy doesn’t put his hand in his pocket and buy you a couple of drinks then he shouldn’t be invited to put his hand down your pants. Seriously.
- Have fucking fun.
And in my personal opinion Tinder blows and Bumble is cool. Happy and safe swiping!
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