Love. Something that has been absent from my life for years. Absent in my personal life that is. I have copious amounts of love in my life just not the the romantic kind. I have talked about this before but in my opinion the worst part of being in an unhappy marriage were the feelings of loneliness. Feeling lonely while having my husband lie next to me in my bed was painful and depressing. It was confusing and it tormented me because how could I feel lonely when I had someone there? I didn’t have anyone there, though. Not even myself. How is that? Listen up. For a long time I yearned for love. The desire to feel love for a man and to be loved by a man was in the front of my mind. I wanted that love to fill a void. But the void couldn’t be filled by anyone but me. That void was a result of not having enough love for myself and not only that, I had a lot of healing to do. I needed to come into my own after losing myself for so frigging long in unhappiness and a relationship that hindered my personal growth. After years of feeling inadequate and broken down I began to desire love from the unknown in hopes to feel love for myself. I, like many people, thought receiving love from someone else was the answer to my problems. Truth is, I needed time to become comfortable with being alone. Not only being alone but being alone and loving myself more than any man could or ever would. I lost myself in that marriage. I felt like a body without a soul. It was difficult to imagine then that I would be so happy now…. sans love, alone with myself, happier than I have ever been in my entire life. I began to realize I would never want to be with the man who would have been with me when I was broken. I want to be with the man who will be with me now. That guy is the guy who will see my true spirit and beauty. The guy who would have had me while I was broken and weak isn’t the man I now desire and deserve. That guy doesn’t deserve me at my best. I believe the quality of love you receive from a romantic partner is the quality of love you feel you deserve and have for yourself. If you do not possess self love, you can’t love someone else and no person will ever be able to love you the right way, the way you personally need and deserve to be loved. And that is not the fault of your partner that is the fault of you. I didn’t realize this. Loneliness is interesting. It can make you feel things and desire things that aren’t real. Truth is, if you are truly happy and content with yourself in your life, loneliness fucks off. The happiness and confidence one possesses when they are truly happy with themselves and in love with themselves attracts so much beauty and positivity there is no room for loneliness. It becomes a feeling of the past. I am so content in my singleness and so happy with who I am today I have only excitement and optimism for my future. I am ready for love. I am ready because I am no longer sad when I am alone… this is because I am never alone. I have me.
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