Boy, oh boy. Shit sure hasn’t gotten any better for us eligible singles since the last time I showed you what was on the market. Wait until you feast your eyes on these sons of bitches. And don’t think for one second the single men out there are any different/worse than the chics. Nope. Single broads out there on dating apps are bat shit crazy and AWESOME. And entertaining in the sack to boot! Yep. These ladies are good in bed and sure love giving BJ’s. How do I know? Oh. Because it’s in their profiles. Yeah, you heard me. It’s in their profiles. Am I a square? I mean, I too enjoy giving a good BJ every now and again but I assure you I am NOT going to let these fuckers know that. I wait until I meet a normal human and we have chemistry. Call me old fashioned. Take a look.
But What Do You Look Like?
Maybe if I could see your face I could be 5000% percent certain to swipe left. Right now I am 4000% certain I am swiping left.
No thanks, Anr. I spent like 2 years of my adult life with a kid attached to my nips. Not interested. However, there is a lady in my neighborhood still nursing a 6 year old, and a 4 year, and a 2 year old, and a new baby. She is probably game.
John, you’re a fucking dork. That wasn’t funny. I want to punch your mom.
I am going to do a little psychological analysis here with Big Lar if you don’t mind. Larry is not happily divorced. Larry wants a relationship but knows he won’t be able to get one BECAUSE HE SUCKS. And no, Larry, you aren’t happy you are 5’8″ and overweight. You’re fucking pissed at the world.
Single men whose pickle I will never let tickle me
Jason, your body is a ride I will not go on. Let’s say you were a rollercoaster at an amusement park… you would be the one with no line.
Just letting you know, if I ever looked down and saw this man checking out my vag I would call 911. Either it was nonconsensual or I lost my God damned mind which means he’s going to the clinker or I am going to the psych ward.
No shit… never married? No kids? Chances are its going to stay that way, buddy, with a pose and bathing suit like that.
How’s it going for you on Tinder, Anthony? Not good? Yeah. That’s because you’re a negative tool who thinks you’re cool. Here’s a tip: Try smiling.
A dump selfie? You stink at this dating thing, Nick.
Dustin. Let’s have a little chat, shall we? I am fucking swiping left. Why, you ask? Not because you are unattractive to me or that you are a bust out with no money. I could maybe get past all that. You are confident. And to me confidence is sexy as hell but the thing is…. you are a liar. You have not had a very long sexual career. No way. No how.
You didn’t have to tell us where you are on Saturday nights, Clint. We knew by looking at you that you are at the stock car races.
I don’t know why this guy has this effect on me but I want to beat the shit out of him. Punch him right in his big gross belly button.
Ok, anyone who says “flick your bean” is probably kind of funny. Let me be clear though, anyone who says “flick your bean” in their profile has me and probably anyone else who reads it swiping left. Hunter ain’t flicking many beans, I assure you.
At least the poor son of a bitch is putting himself out there again.
Alex, I can’t for the life of me figure out why you are single.
Does LittleOscar have a wiener or a vagina? My first guess is wiener. The mustache and name have me leaning towards there being a wiener. But then the hairdo and earrings have me thinking vag. Thoughts? If there is a wiener I may consider having dinner with LittleOscar.
Awesomely Crazy Single Ladies On The Market
See! Cloe gives great head! What a sweetie.
Oh, Apples. You’re silly.
Janey is probably getting hit the fuck up all day long. I kind of want to message her and see if she will come hang with my son and play Pokemon with him. I am so sick of giving him my phone and walking around town catching Weedles and Piggies like a creep. Dudes probably love her because she is basically a dude with a vagina. Mad props.
Pukersha is a frigging wordsmith. Deep and wise as hell.
SINGLE MEN: STAY THE FUCK AWAY FROM THIS ONE.
Like I said. Stay the fuck away from this one.
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