It’s that time of the year where we gather with loved ones and eat until we can barely move. Thanksgiving!!! It’s also a time of year where hopefully you count your blessings and show some gratitude for all the wonderful things and people you have in your life. It’s also a time when shit can really hit the fan. Have you ever seen the movie Parenthood when they send the granny to retrieve a flashlight and she comes back with the daughter’s vibrator? It can happen. Let’s see, what else can happen? Perhaps things get super awkward when folks decide that discussing differences in politics and religion make for friendly and uplifting conversation. I’ve been giving yogis longer meditation time this week in class alone because of the impending anxiety that is talking politics at a holiday gathering. Basically, as cool as the holidays are, something is always bound to go wrong. My advice is to drink wine and take deep breaths. Try to laugh it off and if need be, slam your face into a pumpkin pie to add a distraction to any turkey day mishaps. Deflecting is key people. To help ease worries, I jumped the gun a bit and created a list of things that can go wrong at your Thanksgiving Day celebration. Let’s get after it.
Granny goes to eat some brownies, but accidentally eats your pot brownies. Now, depending on the situation this could be a really good thing or a very bad thing. I mean, as long as it’s just a little nibble and not the whole dang thing, well, Granny may have the best Thanksgiving of us all!
Someone will ask you why you’re still single or when you’re going to have a baby. Oh man, coming from someone who gets asked this a lot, this could be really freaking annoying. Same goes for my single guys and gals out there. The struggle is real. The good news is, we all have options on how we choose to answer. For instance, if someone asked me, “so, when are you and Anthony going to have a baby???”. Perhaps I would say, “Ohhh, it’s looking about four years now”. Or “I’m not sure. What about you? When are you having a baby?” It’ll be weird when you ask that to your 62 year old aunt or your cousin that just had her tubes tied after her fourth kid. Here’s more on how I feel about situations like this.
Someone will want to talk about politics. Oh, fuck. What can be worse? Talking about politics during a holiday dinner is like talking about interpretations of philosophical writings or how neurons are transmitted into electrically charged atoms to create static electricity. It’s brutal and worse, it’s boring. PS. I made up that latter part of the previous sentence, I have no idea what that means, but it sounds terribly excruciating to talk about. There are so many other things I can dream of conversing about. Oh, like I don’t know…the newly divorced neighbor next door that you can hear bumping uglies with randoms all weekend long (I have a friend that this is actually happening to, keeps her up all night). Or what about Kanye’s breakdown? So sad, but who didn’t see this coming? Come on now. There is a plethora of topics to tackle besides politics. If all else fails, light a fart on fire and dazzle your relatives with a light show. Here are more tips on how to handle post election stress.
Your turkey will turn out like the turkey from Christmas Vacation. Oh man. If you’ve seen this famous holiday flick you know what I’m talking about. Think cutting open your bird and POOF! It pops open, dry as a bone. That would be a disaster. There is nothing I can do here to help you. Best of luck!
Someone will not help do anything in the kitchen. Oh. This is for sure going to happen. You see, I know this because we totally have one of these in our family. It’s Nicole. Nicole gets really tired and gets a hankering for a nap right about the time everyone heads to the kitchen to work their boobs off and clean the massive mess. What would I do? Well, exactly what we really do. Call out the lazy turd and harass them so they can’t fully go into R.E.M. Jokes on them!
When playing Cards Against Humanity, your dad will say “bukkake”. Ok first off, whatever you do, DO NOT look that word up. Trust me. To be honest, I’m not even sure if that’s the correct spelling, but I am way to scared to look it up, it’s that awful, I mean it. We learned this the hard way. It was ten times worse when our dad said this word, not knowing what it meant, with much enthusiasm and theatrics. Did we cry laugh? Yes. Did we just cry? Perhaps a tear or two. Moral of the story, CAH is a must for holiday get-togethers. That and giant Jenga!
You will get caught smoking grass and then your uncle will ask you for some. The probability of this happening is high. No pun intended. It’s the holidays and whatever it is that helps you get thru the season, is there for a reason. Whether it’s meditation and sage burning, vino or the herb…the uncles and aunts will sniff it out.
You pull for Christmas Grab Bag and find out the relative that got you is a cheap bastard. Oh man. That is the worst. You know at that moment you’re absolutely lucky to get handed an Amazon gift card Christmas day, because you’re most likely to get a re-gifted sweater from 2 years ago. Either way expect no card. No wrapping. No fucking candy cane. Silver lining: buy whatever you want!
You will drink way too much red wine. This actually will probably happen so just go with the flow. You may or may not say something inappropriate, but when it comes to too much red wine anything can happen so be prepared. My suggestion? Go with it. Eat plenty of food. Chug water intermittently. Perhaps before responding to certain individuals, have a trust worthy relative proofread your thoughts. And last but certainly not least, have a blast! Cheers!
You have a gay, Mexican aunt and someone shows up wearing a “Make America Great Again” t-shirt. One word: BUTTHURT. Best of luck there. Give her a glass of wine and a big ass hug.
An underage relative gets shit faced before dinner. I mean, these things happen. And depending on their parental units, they could either get into a boat load of trouble or mom and dad will turn a blind eye to the situation and deal with it after hours. In either case, come to their rescue. If they have in fact barfed then do your best to convince everyone they just got a bout of the ol’ flu. Make them chug water and some Advil stat. Next, freshen them up so they don’t look like a complete puddle. Throw a mint or ten their way as well. Get them settled into their spot…preferably at a kids table or maybe in an extra bed somewhere (gotta sell the “flu”). This way their behavior won’t be judged by the little ones and fingers crossed, they may just blend right in or they will pull for them like Ferris Bueller. You will turn out being what they are grateful for this year. A hero. In fact, everyone may end up being grateful for you.
You pass out after dinner and let out a huge fart in your sleep. Personally, this has not happened to me. But I have sat next to someone sleeping when they ripped a huge one and not only did they wake themselves, but the family dog too!
Someone eats all of the cranberry sauce. I mean, what can be worse? Well, besides talking politics, of course. But seriously, you never want to miss out on seconds of your favorite side dish. When it comes to cranberry sauce, that is my jam. So what I like to do is create a little plate of this gelatin delicacy, even if I’m full. And then I hide it. When I have a hankering for more, I go retrieve it and eat it. It’s very confusing for other family members when earlier they wanted more then realized it was all gobbled up. Sneaky, yet effective.
Now, don’t be shy folks. Feel free to share your biggest holiday mishap in the comments below. Talking about it always helps. Happy Thanksgiving TSPeeps! We are SO freaking grateful for you all and we love you!
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