You gotta love your mom. I mean, you just kind of have to. Moms aren’t perfect (even though I know a ton of y’all are trying to portray that you are on social media). And now that I am a mom, I frigging love and admire my mom more for what she did for all of us because holy crap this job is not easy. And let me be real with you for a moment. My mom was far from perfect and I was a huge pain in her ass growing up. Huge. By far the most challenging of all 5 of us. My mom and I had quite a few run ins and even some wrestling matches. There was a time in my life when I couldn’t stand her and there is no doubt in my mind she couldn’t stand me either. But that was short lived. Time goes by and we evolve and learn understanding and forgiveness. In retrospect, she frigging rocked at motherhood. Everyone’s mom is fucked up in some way or another. We all are for crying out loud. WE ARE HUMAN. But here’s the deal, yo. If you, as a human with a beating heart, can’t look back and forgive your mom for whatever it is that is chapping your hide? You are going to be seriously fucked up and chances are if you don’t tend to your heart and mind, you are not going to be a happy camper in this life and you probably aren’t going to be the best partner for someone else. Now. If your mom was Aileen Wuornos or some shit and she spent her free time hookin’ and murdering her tricks, well then I guess you have good reason NOT to adore your mom. That blows.
I am going to focus on non-mom loving gents now. I have known me a few in my day (I am not referring to the guy who thinks his annoying mom is annoying. I am talking about the guy who hates his mom) and let me tell you, they are not ideal partners if you are looking for someone to adore you and treat you like a queen. From my personal experience, these people are not the dudes that are going to put your ass on a pedestal for being a woman/mom. Nope. Anyone who holds hate in their heart is incapable of loving properly. It is as simple as that.
When I began dating seriously after my divorce I had one really strict rule. Must Love Mom. Well, that and you can’t be broke, ugly or sick. Every one of my dating profiles described my desire to meet a man who loves his mommy and if he didn’t… don’t bother barking up this tree because I want nothing to do with a man who doesn’t love his mommy. That usually kept mommy haters away although I still put men through a pretty extensive interviewing process before I agreed to having a first date with them. Typically my first question was, “Do you love your mom?”. If they said yes, the more we got to know one another. If they said, “It’s a long story.” or “She’s a whore.” (yes, a man actually said that about his mother)… Conversation. Over. You are probably wondering why I was so adamant about meeting a man who loves his mom, or else you are thinking something like, “This broad def has some mommy hating men issues.” Ding Ding Ding!!! See, I was with a man for a long ass time who didn’t love his mom and it definitely impacted the way he treated me, the way he respected me as a woman/mother and the way he treated me in front of my children. I will never forget something that happened what seems like a thousands years ago even though the recollection of the incident is as vivid as if it occurred this morning. My son was a toddler and my daughter a baby. Although my son was too young to understand what was said at the time, a very disturbing encounter is what confirmed my notion that motherly love is essential in having the capacity to love another woman with tenderness and compassion and respecting boundaries the exist when a mother is holding her child. As I held my two year old son while my daughter lay in her crib just a few feet from where I stood, the non-mom lover stood at the bottom of the stairs looking up at both of us while he proceeded to call me a “fucking cunt” among some other things. For what? I don’t recall and does that part really matter? I assume it was for something trivial. Anything could have sent him into one of his rages because when I say trivial I mean trivial. It could have been the color of my God damn lipstick that catapulted him into a few days of giving me the silent treatment. That was a lot of fun. It was at that moment I understood the importance of being with someone who loved their mother and someone capable of treating me with love and respect. And guess what? It was about my kids. And their kids. What in the hell kind of example was I setting for them being with someone who didn’t love me right? If I stayed my son would learn to treat women like dog shit and he would learn to have no respect for me. And my daughter? She could potentially end up with a man who treats her like dirt and she too could live without the love and respect she needs to thrive and be happy. And then the pattern continues. I put a stop to that shit and began a new life. My babies were not going to become broken people. Plus, how the hell could I love my kids right when I was broken and unhappy? ABC, ya, mommy hater. We were out of there. From my experience, the man who loves his mommy is the man who treats his wife and other women with love and respect. I realize there are exceptions to this, like everything, but loving and respecting your mother is a pretty good indication that you have the capability to love another women/partner properly.
Raising my children with understanding, encouragement, support, unconditional love and endless opportunity are my contributions in ensuring I am raising two kids who will always love their mommy. They will grow and evolve and if I do it right I will have created two cool ass human adults who love me and have the heart and mind to love other people with the same love, understanding, tenderness, respect and compassion I showed them. The goal here is raising people who are empathetic.
Having a partner in life who loves you right and shows your children how to love and treat their mother is MAJOR. I want my kids to see their mommy being treated with love, respect and tenderness. That, I believe, is another essential variable in raising the kind of kids who will grow up to be adults who know how to choose the right partners for themselves and not compromise their hearts along the way. Having a man in my life set an example like this for my children is the most valuable attribute he can bring into our lives. Let it be known, I would happily spend my life without a man had I not found the perfect one who most definitely, without a doubt belongs in our family. A mother loving gentlemen who believes in loving me like his queen and my children as if they were his own. I thank my past and shit marriage for having this sweet man in our lives. If it weren’t for the bad I would never have known how to see the good. Let’s not go jumping from one non-mom lover to another, TSPeeps. Learn and move forward with caution and hope. There are so many beautiful people out there.
So, if you are a grown ass adult and you hold anger in your heart/mind for your parent, guess who is fucked up now? You. It is time to tend to your issues and grow. One cool thing I learned in therapy a long time ago… you cannot control what people say or do to you but you can control the way you react to it. You may have had a shit mom and maybe she didn’t love you right but you are here in this world with the rest of us because of her. Forgive and use your energy to learn how to love others the right way. Your energy is magnetic. You attract whatever it is you are putting out.