Facebook. The most fascinating place on earth. Fascinating and frightening. There we keep in touch with every single human we have ever met, some we haven’t, and many we wish we wouldn’t have. Let’s be real here. There are a handful of people in each of your newsfeed who keep you entertained. And I am not talking about the funny son of a gun who posts witty shit that makes you LOL while taking the bus to work. I am talking about the face bookers who have awful FB etiquette that ironically keep you wanting more. I am no FB angel. Believe you me, I am aware there are people out there who HATE my fascinating and mouth watering pimple popping videos. That shit can ruin a person with a weak stomachs day. Forgive me. However, I am not talking about me. I am talking about these people.
The Perfect Relationship/Perfect Lifer. I tend to use my life and experiences to make people laugh seeing I do not take myself very seriously. I mean, y’all can see my life is far from perfect, right? I think you should either be real or be quiet. The Facebook facade many people have is interesting and pretty transparent. This is what I know… People with class and money don’t brag about it, people who have connections to the mob don’t talk about it and people who have the perfect life/relationship don’t exist. Therefore, I am calling your ass out for being a fraud. All us real people know the truth and chances are the ones who portray the perfect life/relationship probably have the most effed ones of us all. Yeah, I said it. Bloop
The Traumatizing Picture Poster. Now. Everyones opinion of what is disgusting and what is not differs. For example. Lauren seems to think your pictures of your children with food all over their faces or images capturing your child’s loose stool pouring out of their diapers to be the most foul images of all. She also has some massive issues with any sort of medically based image, for example, blood coming from a kitchen knife mishap or post op images of your most recent surgery. She can do without that stuff. In your defense, Lauren gags at the sight of stickers and bandaids so we can’t really use her level of disgust as a gage. Michelle happens to believe your pictures of dogs with their faces ripped off and pictures of your ugly ass feet (let’s be real, no ones feet need to be showcased on FB) should be banned from her newsfeed. I happen to agree with her. I mean… here I am… happy as a clam. Woke up with a smile on my face and the mindset to conquer the world that day. Nothing could ruin my mood. Nothing! I grab a cup of coffee and hop on my phone to check out FB and BAM! There it is. The picture you posted of a sweet, defenseless little hound with his face burnt off and his body wrapped up with duct tape. MOOD RUINED. DAY RUINED. MAYBE EVEN LIFE RUINED. I get you are into animals. Me too. I love them. Thus why that picture you posted to fight the war against animal abuse hit me so hard.
The Blabber Mouth. The Facebooker who posts crazy ass personal shit is mucho fascinating. You have to be quick with this one because most of the time this face booker posts without thinking and within the hour that post will be deleted. And then after telling everyone their personal drama they call people out for being in their business when they in fact put their business out there for everyone to be in. You know what I am talking about. Once in a while this human will post something like this.. “Hey, you! Yeah You! You know who you are. Stay out of my business. If your life weren’t so boring and dumb you wouldn’t be so obsessed with mine!” Um. You know how many times I have wanted to comment on that shit? Homegirl literally blows diarrhea of the mouth all over FB and she is upset that someone is talking about her? Homegirl talks shit about herself to hundreds of people who grab the popcorn the minute they see a post from her. Hush, child.
The Tool. This guy is just straight up annoying, pretentious, and totally douchebaggy. He ends rants with lame ass hashtags and says things like “please only respond if you know for a fact that I value your opinion.” Well, I have an opinion for you. I think you’re a tool. #SorryNotSorry #JustSayin (note the hashtags I stole from the tool himself. You totally know one of these guys.)
The Complainer. Now this one annoys the fuck out of me. I can’t lie about it. I have actually done away with a few FB friendships for this very reason. The negativity is the worst in my opinion. And then the people who comment and feed into it all. Oy Vey! There is so much horrible and sickening shit that goes on in this world. Children are dying, Trump is president, people are finding out they have cancer everyday and you are complaining about the fucking weather? Every. Single. Day. Or a play by play of your shitty day? The FB complainer needs a solid yoga class and maybe a little hanky panky to brighten up that mood a bit. Focus on the positive, y’all.
The Show Off. Now there are two different kinds of social media showoffs. There is the Facebooker who constantly brags about his wheels and hot ass wife and then there is the sneaky show off. These are my favorite. Like, check out this adorable picture of my baby sleeping in her stroller but the focus of the picture is on the brand new designer bag hanging on the stroller not the actual child. Oh and then the super sneaky, “LOL! Look! They wrote “Kate” on my starbucks cup and its actually “Cate”.” And the picture is showcasing your diamond ring not the cup in your hand. I see what you were trying to do there you sneaky little devil. You ain’t fooling anyone “Cate with a C”. Not a soul.
The Compliment/Attention Seeker. This one. Throwing out your boohoo’s and daily rants. “Someone said something mean to me about my big juicy dupa and I’m going to pretend like it didn’t hurt my feelings just so people comment on the post telling me how strong, beautiful and not fat I am.” I can’t with this one. And believe me, I am a girls girl. A sister. A solid friend but I can’t deal with the obvious undercover attention seeking face booker. If you need a little love just say so. I will send you a compliment and a bid ass cyber hug.
The Food Photog. I love me some food. Good, delicious, fresh food. But can we all just make a unanimous decision to leave that gig to people in the industry and such? Like, chefs and photographers. I mean, if you are at a world renown restaurant that has a year and a half wait list by all means, snap a pic and post it. But that dry ass chicken breast and overcooked frozen broccoli you whipped up in a jiffy? We get it. You are eating “heathy”. Save the space on your smart phone and just enjoy it. And one more thing. Food pictures should not have filters. It makes food look gross. If you are going to post a picture of food at least spare us your creative flair.
And here are just some of my favorite Facebook related meme’s:
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