I thank sweet baby Jesus on the daily that social media and youtubing wasn’t around when I was in my teens and early twenties. I would have humiliated myself on so many levels. If there is anyone who had a few beauty mishaps it was me. I liked to push the envelope when it came to makeup/beauty trends as a young one and boy oh boy am I happy there is no evidence of it. White eyeliner spent some time on my lids. I sported long, thick acrylic nails with a little airbrushed art every now and then. Maybe once I had a hole drilled in my pinky nail and had a gold ring placed in it. I smeared glitter on my cheek bones. Lots and lots of glitter. I curled my hairsprayed hair with a curling iron and didn’t brush it out. It was crispy and I liked it. I have the memories to hold on to and the gratefulness that none of you have proof of my hot ass mess of a self. The good thing is, I have evolved and now know what is best when it comes to makeup application. Nowadays everyone and their mama’s are beauty bloggers and Youtuber’s and everyone is trying to one up one another. Who can come up with a better technique? Who can create the most innovative look? Who can use a turd to contour? Well let me tell you, I have had just about enough of all of this tomfoolery. These “beauty experts” must be stopped. I am ashamed to be a human because of them.
The most ridiculous thing these beauty bust outs are doing that pisses me off? Using stupid shit to apply makeup. Get ready because your day is about to be ruined.
People are applying and blending makeup with tampons. You heard me.
People are applying their makeup with dicks. Fake dicks, but nonetheless dicks. They use the balls too.
And since we are talking about dicks I think it is the appropriate time to talk about the dork who is applying makeup with condoms.
Not only are people using food to apply their makeup they are also using food as makeup. I want to karate chop my GD computer after watching these fools. I just can’t with them.
This woman is blending her makeup with a son of a bitching hard boiled egg.
Homegirl is using a Snickers bar to contour.
This fellow uses a french fry to assist him with applying his winged liner and is using a burger to help him with his contouring.
And this human. She is blending her makeup with a fucking bell pepper and she is dead serious.
This ain’t makeup, people. The human below is applying food on her face. I can’t.
4. Creative Contouring.
I hate to break to everyone, but contouring is majorly last year. Instead of leaving it in 2016 we got people coming up with new creative ways to contour and every last one of them is dumber than the next. I mean… who has time to henna their face with makeup for contouring? Get a life.
If someone needs to apply this much makeup I personally think they should just consider getting a whole new face.
5. Eyelash Extensions.
I like lash extensions. But not these. I don’t know what is going on over in Asia but whatever it is needs to stop yesterday. This shit is so stupid. I want to fly there and put anyone doing this under a citizens arrest.
6. Over Highlighting.
When someone highlights so much they look wet, I would say they used a little too much product.
7. Nail Art.
I love me some nail art. If I didn’t give a hoot I would probably bedazzle the shit out of my nails every now and again. But fried eggs? Something’s gotta give. Can’t we call Trump and see if he could do something valuable during his presidency like make this shit illegal?
8. Lying Clowns.
I love makeup and I am a girl’s girl, but this shit is beyond my reasoning and acceptance. These broads are frauds!
9. Scary Ass Brows.
I don’t care what is trending at the moment. Eyebrows are supposed to look like eyebrows not centipedes. I hate this trend more than I hate changing other people’s babies diapers. This is the dumbest shit to hit 2017.
10. Ball Sac Blender.
This girl used her boyfriends nutbag to apply her makeup. She wins the award for the most creative use of a scrotum ever. I love her and him for allowing her to use his nutbag to do this. These two actually make me proud to be a human again.
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