“I want to thank you for setting my spirit free.” I just sent that text to my boyfriend. He changed my life. He freed me from prison. Well, not the kind you were thinking of. Sorry for misleading you but this story is better than that one would have been. The prison I was in was invisible. No one could see it, only my spirit could feel it. See, I was a prisoner inside my own life. Invisible iron bars restricting me to be free. There are reasons why I was living like that. Years and years of suppression. After not being allowed to be who you are for such a long time, you become insecure and uncomfortable with showing your true colors even if they are the most beautiful colors some people said they had ever seen. You stop believing in the good things people say. You eventually forget who you are because it has been so long since you have been you. At least, I know I did. There was even a time when I believed that who I was wasn’t acceptable because I was made to believe that. But, something about me that is kind of cool, I can’t be controlled. I can’t control my own spirit and neither can someone else. Maybe momentarily, but not forever. I wish I could tell you details of my life that would shed so much light on all of this, but I can’t. One day I will. It isn’t the easiest thing to do, share my life with you while not being able to share it the way it needs to be heard. I wish I could share it as it occurs, allowing my experiences to help you, somehow. Whether it helps you by allowing you to be more patient, more loving, more kind, more independent, more understanding, more genuine, more authentic, more assertive, more protective, more aware, I believe my story has value. I believe in the old notion that “when life hands you lemons, make lemonade”. I want my bad shit to be able to help you, that is my lemonade.
I have fucking suffered. I do not share that to have anyone feel bad for me. No sirree, Bob. I am good. Stronger than most. I know that I am one of the lucky ones. I was able to escape but I know there are so many of you who can’t and I get it. Freeing myself from a grip so tight seemed impossible once. Sometimes, I look back and can’t believe I was strong enough… but I was and I am proud. I very slowly began to allow my true self to squeeze through those bars and feel freedom. It was really fucking scary but also felt kind of good (like the first time I had sex). I had forgotten who I was. Every day brought a new version of me, slowly getting closer to my authentic self but still reluctant to tap in that deep. I was shamed and I was ridiculed for a really long time so I was uncertain. At vulnerable, weak moments you sometimes wonder, “were they right?” Those thoughts need to be beaten the fuck up the minute they bebop into your head, btw. I began to become more comfortable with who I was and who I had become. I was different than I was before it all happened. I believe I was better. A smarter, stronger version of me, yet still a bit broken. My spirit thrived a little in her new life and something really incredible happened a few years after I invited her to show herself again. I met someone who fed my soul so much that his presence in my life set my spirit free. And I am talking FREE, people. I never imagined I would be able to feel this way. I never imagined I would be able to know exactly who I am. I never imagined that if I did meet my true authentic self that I would be brave enough to let someone else meet her too. Vulnerability is not my favorite feeling. This man brought magic into my life. He introduced me to a world I had never known. It is beautiful. It is happy. It is fun. It is kind. It is sincere. It is nurturing . It is peaceful. It is genuine. It took me a while to believe it is real. It took me a long time to trust him. People with my experiences have difficulty trusting the right people (with good reason). I eventually realized I had to follow my intuition so I let my guard down. I didn’t need to protect her anymore, this place is safe. So, I disrobed my spirit. I shed every last layer of fear, judgement, insecurity, shame and unauthentic self to reveal someone we were both meeting for the first time. Me.
Had I not listened to my gut I would have shut him out and the things I would have missed out on would have been devastating. His love and his compassion comforted me and allowed me to set my spirit free. I never would have met me had I not allowed myself to be vulnerable and to trust that there are beautiful souls in this world. For those of you who have been silenced, shamed, intimidated or lost, sometimes hate casts such a dark shadow over our spirits that we lose ourselves in the darkness. But, it doesn’t need to stay dark forever. Every last one of you needs to know that there is something much more powerful than hate and we all have access to it. Love. And love always wins. Learn to trust and love yourself. Dig deep. Once you are better, allow your intuition to guide you. Listen to that voice and learn to trust someone else with your spirit and allow it to be set free. My bad days of today are better than my good days of my past and this is because I am happy and I am free.