We have all been there. There is always that someone that makes your flight close to unbearable or in some cases, the most entertaining flight you’ve been on in your life. When we were younger and would travel as a family, Nicole and I wouldn’t brush our teeth before our flight we would then stick Michelle in between us. Once we took off, we would dip our heads towards her, pretend we were sleeping and proceed to breathe on her. I know, we’re totally gross. But for us, it was funny even though she would pretty much cry, we would cry – laughing. That brings up a good point, we were once the total idiots on the flight people hated. Sorry to the people in the past. Here’s the deal, The Mister Project and I are heading to Australia next week to go on an adventure and visit my best friend. We’ll be in the air for about fifteen hours, plenty of time for people to start smelling weird, pick their nose, drink too much and add stories to my list of “What Not To Do On A Flight”. Here are the top worst and somewhat hilarious moments I have had while flying.
The Axl Rose Wannabe: Whoa this fella was one fire on my flight home from L.A. to Chicago. Imagine an Eddie Van Halen look alike, but not only in the face but in his entire ensemble. He was full on heavy metal/hair band. His lady got chilly because she wore a straight up tank top on an airplane. A tank top. So to warm her up, he took off the cut off t-shirt he was wearing and gave it to her. Nips and all. I was dying. I was doing that silent laugh that you shake your whole chair because you’re trying to keep it in. The flight attendant had to explain to him why he couldn’t be on a plane with his hairy nipples hanging out, eventually with much persuasion, he put his sleeveless shirt back on. To ease his pain, he threw on his foamy earphones from 1996 and turned up some Guns and Roses. I could literally hear every single word to “Welcome to the Jungle”, which didn’t bother me at all because I love that song. Now, you know that one part of the song where Axl screams “You’re gonna diiiiiiieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!”? Ummm, the guy screamed that. And I mean screamed it. The screeches that came from the kids were so sad but so funny, I couldn’t handle it. Those poor mothers. I will never forget this guy. Hey, a guy that likes to sing and keep his lady warm…could be worse.
Broken Toenail Girl: Imagine if you will – I board the plane, all warm and fuzzy on the inside from the Bloody Mary I had prior to the flight. I get to my seat, ready for a four hour nap and snuggle into my seat next to the window. I pull out my leopard print neck pillow, throw it on and cozy up as close to the window side as I could. Just as I put my elbow on MY elbow rest, something stabbed my arm. As I looked down at what caused the stabbing, I saw THE most gnarly set of toenails I had ever seen in my life! To be fair, the color of the polish was beautiful, a nice, bright pink. However, why this person slaughtered her pedicure and picked or more likely chewed off all of the tips of her toe nails leaving behind sharp, pink daggers is beyond me. Even after my arm touched her “toes”, she left her foot there for four full hours. That’s ballsy. I like it.
The Guy with B.O.: I am a total hippie at heart. Honestly, I barely wear deodorant anymore because A) I try not to use aluminum and B) I have yet to find a perfect natural deodorant that works. Surprisingly, I’m not walking around totally gross and stinky. However, if I’m boarding a flight, I’m slathering on aluminum festered deodorant simply out of respect for the other passengers. The man next to me on our flight to Vancouver didn’t think to consider his neighbors that day he boarded the plane. At first, I was actually really excited to sit next to him, I mean, he was wearing a 90’s windbreaker with neon, geometric shapes…side note: this flight was last winter. Everything was going well, until he decided to take off said windbreaker. That jacket did such a powerful job of keeping the stink inside his zipper that when he took it off, I thought I got punched in the face with a potato sack full of vintage B.O. Under his windbreaker, he was wearing a thick and I mean thick sweater from the late 80’s. The smell that had been living in that sweater for the past thirty years was coming out to party. You know that old vintagey clothing store smell? Mix that smell with outrageous body odor and sit next to it for 3.5 hours…you will never be the same.
The Swedish Ninja Child: 2006 on our family trip to Italy to visit family over the holidays. Just as I boarded our flight my cramps kicked into high gear. Like many women, mine are brutal, roll into fetal position type cramps. We’re a couple hours into our flight when a miniature demon child from Sweden began to ninja kick the back of my seat. He was kicking me so hard I would fly forward, but since I was strapped in, I would snap right back to the chair. When I kindly asked his mother to have him stop, she told me maybe I should move my seat if her son was bothering me. Bothering me? He was throwing my back out 35,000 miles high in the sky. Worst flight ever, worst kid ever.
Eat Xanax and Get Straddled: The first time I flew to Australia, I planned out a regimen of xanax to essentially keep me asleep for the duration of the flight as I wanted to be well rested upon my arrival. I left explicit instructions for the flight attendants to wake me for every meal. I love airplane food. I was basically half dead and not at all lucid for probably 99.7% of the flight. When I would eat I felt like my hands were bricks and were presenting food to my mouth in super slow motion. After coming out of my self induced coma, shortly before landing in Sydney, I finally met the wrestler looking fella that sat next to me for 13 hours. I laughed and said it felt like I already met him because I dreamt he straddled over me. Well, I didn’t dream that and he actually did straddle over me around the sixth hour in the air. Apparently, he had to use the bathroom so bad that he had to straddle on top of me and just as he had a leg on each side of me I came to. Only for a moment, but he said I came back to life at that very moment. Shocking. He apologized profusely and was sincerely sorry for seeming like a big creep. But clearly I was in the wrong, I mean, I medicated myself to oblivion. He could have honked my boobs and I wouldn’t have known.
Eat Xanax and Get Punk’d: Basically, this could happen to you.
Had no idea this happened. I didn’t see it until we returned home from this trip to Italy.
Those are my best and most entertaining flying stories. Truth be told, I love traveling and flying. Stories, people and moments like these make for the most memorable of flights and help me keep track of which flight was which. And just so everyone knows, The Mister Project once took a Manny’s corned beef sandwich onto a flight. Have you whiffed a corn beef sandwich from Manny’s lately? Mucho amateur move. TSPeeps, please share with the world, what is the worst thing that has ever happened to you while in flight. I’ll let you know how this flight to Australia goes! Off to Oz we go!
Love it. Live it. Share it.
Lauren, your post had me literally laughing aloud. I thought I would share a funny story of my own:
“TIPSY MAKE-UP TIPS AND TRICKS”
You may remember my partner in crime for this story from a previous TSP blog entry where she was praised for what a wonderful person she is, and that’s great because she really is exceptional. However, I find her to be one of the most hilarious people on Earth—mostly when she isn’t trying to be funny at all and definitely when I am making her laugh at an inopportune moment where it ultimately makes her look rude for being so inappropriate.
A long time ago, my friends and I took a trip to Denver. The majority of us were on the same flight which made me excited, until I realized that I have a bunch of Xanax-popping, scaredy-cat flyer friends who don’t fully appreciate the wonders of alcohol and its effects on the body whilst flying. So, said friend and I sat next to one another and decided to make the most of the flight.
We promptly ordered two cocktails each and got the giggles in record time. Poking and scaring our anxious friends soon became the funniest thing ever. After a few more giggles and cocktails, we realized we would soon be arriving at our destination and that we needed some “touching up”. While I am the least-likely advisor on other’s make-up, at that moment I felt the confidence of a veteran MAC cosmetologist. I emptied the contents of my Walgreens-purchased make-up pouch onto the tiny airplane tray, narrowly missing a disastrous spill from my over-filled plastic cocktail cup.
I am not sure if I have ever laughed so hard with someone for such an extended period in my life. The plane was dead silent and she and I had to stifle our laughter, which resulted in series of snorts and involuntary howls as I attempted to apply thick, clumpy coats of mascara to her eyes with the shaky and uncoordinated hands of a drunk. I’m certain there was no real turbulence, but each time my hand would inadvertently dive in the wrong direction and I drew heavy lines of mascara across her cheeks, eyebrows and nose, the more I laughed. The more I laughed, the more she laughed, the more we tried to not laugh. More snorts, howling, drooling and crying ensued.
Eventually, we landed and our comatose friends arose from their slumber to find their sad, drunk friends looking like they got in a fight with Tammy Faye Baker. Ah, I’d relive that flight again, any day of the week.
Good read. Like you, I’m the xanax girl on any flight!