I, at this point in my life, believe I have been brought here to earth to protect single dating women from the horrors of dating in the year 2016. It is in my professional dating opinion that there are, in fact, aliens among us. Not only aliens but douchebags and tools alike. The truth of the matter is they are everywhere and sadly we have to cipher through all the bullshit in order to find true love. My personal encounters have proven 97% of single, eligible “men” on dating apps (ages 37-56) are in fact mentally and emotionally deficient and not worthy of dating an actual human woman. With that being said and in order to give you all a little hope, I have met men who are of this world and who have made dating in the year 2016 enjoyable. I am not a numbers girl and I am not totally keeping track, so forgive me, but I would say I have gone on roughly 129 first dates since my divorce which was a couple of years ago and out of all 129 first dates I have met 2 men who have proven to not be aliens, tools or douchebags. Basically, we are fucked. I have a theory on all of this which I completely intend to share with all of you another time. Todays lesson, though, is about educating you on the “men” I have regrettably shared oxygen with in hopes to save you from the same experiences I have endured. Basically, I’m the Jesus Christ of dating. Since I have probably gone on more first dates than most of you have dated in your entire life, I consider myself an expert first dater and categorizer of men. Read on to learn about the types of single men who exist on Tinder and some tales of our encounters.
- The Damaged Divorcè. This one right here is jacked up big time. This is the guy who destroyed his marriage, family and social life yet can’t handle the fact he destroyed his marriage, family and social life. Dude. You stuck your wiener in someone else’s vagina and got caught. More than once. Stop crying, dry your eyes and maybe deal with you demons… like a man. Ladies, there are a lot of these fuckers out there. They are tortured souls and they are conflicted. Do yourselves a favor and tell him you suddenly decided to become a lesbian and just never talk to him again. For realz.
- The Guy Who May Not Have Pubes Yet. This guy. It is no surprise people lie or omit truths in their dating profiles and throughout the process of getting to know someone. It is my job to figure this bologna out so I can decide whether or not I am going to meet the dude. Pictures can be pretty tricky. “The guy who may not have pubes yet” did not look like a little man in his pictures. Nor did he sound like a little man when we spoke on the telephone. You can imagine how shocked I was when I arrived at the restaurant only to see a little tiny person smiling at me when I walked in. He was gleefully awaiting my arrival as if i wasn’t going to be shocked by his stature. I didn’t spend enough time with him to find this out for sure but I am almost positive he is a horse jockey. He had little delicate miniature hands. And a tiny little head with minuscule brown eyes like a shrimp. He weighed a buck fifteen AT THE MOST. That right there was some real life bullshit. It is equally as surprising to meet someone and see they resemble a prepubescent boy as much as it is to meet someone and see they resemble a rhino. If you are thinking you too may be corresponding with a tiny little man you should ask him to take a picture of his hand holding a quarter. Gauge the hand size and possibly the wiener size too. Kill two birds with one stone.
- The Guy Who Brags About All The Shit He Used To Have. This jerk was a grade A tool. I literally sat through an entire lunch listening to this fool brag about how huge his house was, how nice his car was, how hot his wife was, how big his bank account was… BEFORE HE WENT BROKE. Today. I care about today, dude.
- The Liar Who Lies About The Weirdest Shit. Red Alert! When a guy lies to you about anything… I mean anything… Run like the dickens. Lying is weird as hell and nothing good will ever come from being with a liar. Who wants to deal with that kind of nonsense?! Not I! Unfortunately, I happened to go on a few dates with someone who ended up being a real creep. Total lying sociopath. He gave me the willies a few dates in and I just knew something was off. There were a couple of things he had told me that didn’t sit well with me so I asked him about them and guess what? His answers were different. Liar! Liar! Pants on fire! I dismissed him immediately. Creep. If you sense someone is lying go with your gut because they probable are.
- The Guy Who Catfished Me. This guy and #2 totally tried to fool me, sons of bitches. This guy was WAY creepier though. Basically, every picture he sent me was a head shot and the pictures he had of his full body were with other people hugging and hanging on him. The other bodies covered up the truth! Now, did he look fit? No. But he certainly didn’t look like a candidate for gastric bypass either. He also made mention of working out all of the time and eating well so I wasn’t expecting a behemoth. We spoke a couple of times and he seemed charming. He had never been married, no kids.. I was actually excited to meet someone in that predicament becasue the divorced dads I was meeting sucked huge donkey dicks. I meet him on a Saturday night (don’t be dumb and do this. First dates need to take place on like a Monday night), he stands up and BOOM! There he is… all 400 pounds of him. He was wider than he was tall. I am not a bitch but I am definitely not a chubby chaser either. I actually have an entire story to tell about this fucker but now is not the time. Lesson of the day? If you are unsure about a guys body type and you think he may be hiding like hundreds on pounds, have him send you a picture standing in a mirror holding up a couple of fingers. He will disappear in a jiffy if he doesn’t want you to know who he really is because there is no faking this picture on the spot.
- The Guy Who Has A Shitload Of Money And Wants You To Know He Has A Shitload Of Money. Any guy who leads with his pocket sucks if you ask me. I happen to like money. I happen to like successful men but I don’t happen to like men who brag about their success and money. That is not sexy to me. That is tacky. I had a guy who has a shitload of money once tell me that the oldest woman he goes out with is 27. He was in his 50’s. He told me he could help make me look like I was in my twenties with a little “work”. BE GONE ya fat fuck and take your 2003 Bentley with you. A lot of these #6 guys like to tell you how well they took care of their exes in the past as well. All of the shoes and purses and vacations… THEY WERE USING YOU! Dorks.
- The Guy Who Spends Way Too Much Time In Bars. I am the last person to knock someone for having a little fun and blowing off some steam. We all need a drink or 5 sometimes. The problem though is when a dude needs a drink or 5 everyday. That’s actually not even the worst part of the guy I am referring to. He was practically 50 and hanging out in bars and hotspots every GD day. Any guy who thinks he still needs to be engulfed in the Chicago party scene to find fulfillment in life at almost 50 is in no mental shape to be pursuing a woman to date seriously. He’s a glorified drunkard.
- The Douchebag. I have gone on more first dates with douchebags than I would like to admit. Sadly, the douchebag is pretty good at concealing his douchebaggery. I thought I was good at spotting them but a few got past my screening process and landed themselves a date with moi. They wouldn’t be considered the luckiest guys in the world for this chance because one thing I can’t do is pretend you’re not a douchebag if you’re a douchebag. Topless bathroom selfies after a first date is a standard of the douchebag. I have gotten so many of these I have lost count. These guys are also particularly clingy. They seem to be the ones that just can’t take a hint and scram even after you tell them to scram. They aren’t the brightest suitors, either. I went on a date with a douchebag who referred to me as “bitch”. Like, “What kind of wine would you like, bitch?”. Another DBag I went out with downed a handful of drinks to my one glass of wine and proceeded to ask me to split the bill. I gladly picked up the whole tab and told him his mother raised a real hillbilly. I can’t forget to mention the DBag who was worried about me writing about him on my blog because he was such a Dbag. Well, this ones for you! You are a number 1, 4, 7, 9 and 10! You win!
- The Man Whore.There are sluts among us, ladies. I have met a couple of dirt bags in my day. I had one guy pop a boner at lunch on our first (and only) date. I had another guy tell me all about the waitresses boobs who was serving us drinks at a bar. I asked him how he knew what her boobs looked like. Asked if he dated her. Nope. He titty fucked her, though. Yep. Twice if I recall correctly. Then there is the guy who sent me a dick pic after our disastrous first date thinking that would entice me to want to see him again because I told him 5 minutes into the date he was never going to see me again. Oh, and how could I forget the guy who said (on our breakfast date) I was totally his type but he needed to know how I maintained my pubic hair to know if I was his type for sure. His preference? Huge, natural, disco bush. I told him I was as bald as they come (at the time I was sporting a pretty huge bush myself) and left him and his breakfast sausage halfway through the meal.
- The Not Very Polished Fellow. This guy is an animal. A straight up barbarian. Table manners of a cave man and the refinement of an ape. Ever go out with someone who sucked their fingers after eating french fries? No? I have. I wanted to break his fingers at the table. From my experience, these guys usually think seafood is gross and the most exotic dish they ever had was a plate of lasagna. These fuckers usually don’t have a passport either and if they do there ain’t no stamp in it and never will be. I went out with a guy who told me he hated tofu once. I said you just ate tofu in that miso soup and you loved it. He told me he thought it was cheese. I died. What the hell kind of cheese exists that doesn’t melt in a bowl of hot soup?
My God. I can hardly believe I made it out of The Tinder Freak Show alive! Dating these days isn’t easy but it sure is entertaining (if you stay positive and not take it too seriously when it goes bad). I know at times it can seem incredibly hopeless and depressing but the truth is there is for sure someone perfect out there for everyone. It may take longer than you would like to find a keeper but once you find ’em you will appreciate him so much more. There is one thing that keeps me going…. Love. I want to find love. And maybe I have. We will all just have to wait and see what time’s magic does.
Hang in there singles and enjoy the ride… as long as it isn’t reverse cowgirl with one of these creeps! xo
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