I want to start by saying, I really really tried to stay positive. I tried to keep my chin up. I tried to look forward to Thanksgiving and the holiday season. I had every intention of remaining calm and keeping my wits about me. I am sorry to say, I can’t. It’s too hard. Since Wednesday, every single social media site in town is spewing negative, angry, combative hateful drivel. People are fighting. Families are quarreling. Millennials are crying in the streets. All the while my Pinterest feed is getting bombarded with adderall induced Turkey Day crafts and recipes that are so frigging stupid, I’m offended. This post right here represents what is actually wrong with this country. I am sure you’ll agree.
Who the fuck is going to break the wishbone? This whole thing should be illegal.
Not everything has to be made into a friggin turkey. What ever happened to good ole fashioned anti-pasto platter? I’m offended by not only the quality of meats on this platter, but also the cracker choice. Ritz would have been a far better choice and better complimented the other deli tail feathers.
This right here is the “everything in my mom’s basement, the kitchen sink and the colander Turkey Day decor.” I’m so pissed off I am eating another Kit Kat for breakfast. #HaveAGarageSale
I know I know. Who am I to judge? At least this broad put the effort in, right? WRONG! WRONG! ALL FUCKING WRONG! Everyone knows you don’t layer candy with a random row of mini chip cookies. I’m calling the Turkey Day police.
Hold please while I finish zesting squiggly cues and designs into my oranges and then finish off by placing hundreds of cloves to create the most perfect piece of fruit art. SAID NO ONE EVER!
Please take pause while I smash my face into the nearest pillow and give a good scream. Ok, I’m done.
While our country continues to rage over the recent election of the human cheeto, I will stop and pause for the town asshole that thought this was a good idea. God help me and God Bless America.
Black Turkey Lives Matter. Too soon?
I used to think acorns were cute until lunatics starting hand painting them individually. Now I hate acorns and the fool that painted them.
I’m so tired. Tired of not being able to make a simple cinnamon roll. Tired of not being able to gently place the bacon on the side. Tired of competing with the rest of the world and the fact that now, in this country, we can not only ingest food out of boxes like a proper American, for the next 2 weeks all of our food has to look like Turkeys too.
Not even the Elf on The Shelf gets the respect he deserves. This is anarchy.
Haven’t had enough? Read this.
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