I am sure it comes as to no surprise to you that I have elf obsessed eight year olds. This is true. And until just recently we only had one. Jim. But in typical Michelle fashion, I hid Jim so well last year, I had to Amazon Prime another Jim because we couldn’t locate the little bastard. My little guy was getting nervous. He was starting to obsess and truth be told, I felt like an asshole. How many lies could I tell him about Jim’s whereabouts? “Oh, Jim is traveling. Extended vacation.” Or, “Santa needed more help at the toy shop so he stayed behind to earn a couple more candy canes.” Within moments of Jim’s body double arriving, we found the original Jim. The little asshole was jammed in the bottom of my stocking. I felt like he was giving me the finger from in there. Have I mentioned that Jim and I don’t get along? I actually hate Jim and I am not afraid to admit it. He causes me nothing but grief and adds even more shit to my already fully loaded plate. If I had a dime for every time I laid my tired head on the pillow and just as I was drifting off…”FUCK YOU JIM.” I forgot to move his sorry ass and I know there isn’t a mom around that wants to start the day with 100 early morning questions as to why their elf didn’t move. However, that isn’t even the brunt of it. Do you want to know the thing that really chaps my ass about these friggin elves? The over the top, elf hiding freak shows that are straight up making clothes for the little fuckers. Where does one find the energy to do all this? I thought I had seen it all, and then I went on a Pinterest rampage and couldn’t help but leave feeling enraged. Fuck that, I say! Ain’t no one got time for elaborate elf hiding. Besides, you are making all of us loser moms look real bad. So without further ado..
Here are 9 reasons why I hate our Elf On The Shelf.
- All I have to say is that shit better be magnetic.
2. Just when I didn’t think the elf could piss me off anymore… And is this elf a goddamn marionette elf? Who is holding his strings? Who has time for this shit?
3. First off. Someone needs to call the police. I need a wellness check on this mom asap. When your elf is writing one page, single spaced novels to Santa about Little Susie’s forgetfulness and Damian’s excessive time outs, we got problems. Send help quick.
4. I know this elf is sitting next to “Nutella”, but are we sure this guy isn’t into scatting? Don’t look it up.
5. If you are going to get silly and have your elf shit somewhere, moving forward, can you at least whittle an elf shitter? I’m offended by this.
6. I’m at a 10 on the pissed off o’meter. Part of me wants these super annoying and might I add, dangerous cymbals, to spin off and be-head Jingles. Jingles The Rockin Elf. Shoot me. Please. No, wait. Shoot the elf.
7. I think somebody may have had a little butt play with an elf and the tooth fairy is the scapegoat.
8. Over adderall-ed alert! Somebody took too many pills and thought that stringing lights around the bowl in which we lay our naked ass was a super cute and creative idea. I hate everyone.
9. One question. Are we crafting these “good deed cards” at the house or are we sending them off to be printed? Steam blowing out my ears here.
Love me a good old pervy elf. The only thing that would have made this better would have been a vat of Nutella nearby. Just saying.
I am going to just say it. If I saw this person walk into my home, peer out of a closet, sniff my panties, he would get his ass kicked. And on that note…
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