I’ve been wanting to share something with you that has been on my mind – perhaps too often.
This past Saturday I had close to forty students in my yoga class and the week prior I had almost fifty students. That’s a good look in my line of work.
As I walked into the very crowded yoga studio, I was thrilled to see so many yogis ready to get their weekly sweat sesh on. I’ve been teaching this particular class for the past four years. It’s my baby and I know I shouldn’t say this, but it’s my favorite class on my schedule. The energy is high, the students are consistent and eager to learn. Every week I leave there feeling lucky to have the opportunity to be in that space with those people.
Even with that being said, I concluded that due to a temporary change in the schedule for the day, my class must have been one of the only options for people to come to hence the large attendance.
A few months back I was offered a really unique (and fun) opportunity to project manage an Uber pop-up at O’Hare airport. My love for airports and travel elevated my excitement.
When I was introduced to the other on-site project managers and asked what events I have managed, I responded that I don’t manage events, that I am just a yoga teacher and blogger.
My friend and supervisor for the pop-up chimed in and reminded me of all the events, retreats, and fundraisers I have successfully planned, managed and executed. “Oh yeah! You’re right, I guess I do manage a lot of events”, I responded with a nervous laugh.
After we wrapped up our walk-thru for the pop-up, I got in my car and cried all the way home from the airport.
I cried because I am shitty to myself. I cried because I don’t give myself enough credit for the things I do in my life. And I cried because I know me thinking I am not good enough just isn’t true.
At the sametime, I was so grateful for my friend’s reminders, she really opened my mind to something I had otherwise not been paying attention to.
I don’t know if these moments of deafening self-doubt can be attributed to imposter syndrome or just your good old-fashioned lack of confidence, but I do know they can be troublesome and disheartening.
I find myself getting stuck in this diffident type pattern more often than I’d like to admit. Often over checking something I know to be correct, not thinking people like me, sometimes thinking I am not deserving of success in my career, and of course, fearful of failure. Just to name a few. Oh and let’s not forget how much courage I need to drum up to ask a question in public. I freaking public speak for a living.
Recently, I discovered that my project management skills can come in handy on set with my husband who asked me to be an Associate Producer for his short films. Obviously, I jumped at the opportunity. Are you kidding?! I live for this kind of stuff!
However, I jokingly referred to myself as “his bitch” to his crew, which my feminist brain immediately regretted saying. I chose to not give myself credit.
That is the bad news.
The good news is, I am now acutely aware of this inner dialogue. I know when my brain shifts to Negative Nelly mode. I would never speak to my best friend or anyone with all that pessimism. So why do I do it to myself?
I suppose it’s how I am wired. I need to retrain my brain to think in a more positive light. To allow me to be proud of myself for what I do, create, and achieve.
This isn’t about not getting recognition from others, this is on me. This is a solo mission.
A few days ago I felt a bit overwhelmed with everything I had on my plate, I looked at my to-do list along with my hefty set of deadlines and thought to myself:
How the hell am I going to get this all done?
Immediately, I combated that thought with:
I can do anything.
Trust me, I was shocked when I said it, but oh my goodness did I feel empowered.
And I did it. I did it all! I helped produce my husband’s short film, I threw him a wonderful 40th birthday at our home, taught my yoga classes, and took care of The Sister Project. All in one weekend.
I felt something that I have to work hard to feel…I felt proud of myself.
*****
Before I go I want to leave you with a wonderful tip my sister, Michelle, offered. I implement this exercise when I find myself buried in self-doubt:
For every negative thought I have about myself, I think of two positive ones to outweigh its mental presence.
Keep that tip in mind the next time you are giving yourself a hard time.
You got this.
Mirella Rocca says
What a wonderful and inspiring article! I can relate to closely. Thank you Xxx
Lauren says
Hi Mirella! I LOVE you. Thank you for taking the time to read. XO
Carolyn says
So relatable! Thank you for taking the time to address this trait that so many women experience!
Lauren says
Hi Carolyn, I agree that many women feel this from time to time, indeed. It helps to know that we’re not alone. Thank you so much for taking the time to read my post. XO